"everything is a self-portrait"

she's a modern devil
with a hard-top convertible halo
that she brings out for cocktail parties
... and sunday brunch

he sits next to her
on the passenger side
and she's always assumed
that he was just along for the ride

and if right is correct
then her hand is left
... to be wrong

but she rocks the boat anyway
because she likes to feel like
... she's moving

and when you're moving
it's easy to pretend
that the direction
you're headed in
... is forward.

he still thinks
that he's a lucky guy
watching her in pat-n-leather
shedding all those peacock feathers

but then again
what does luck
have to do
with anything?

never mistake the moon
for a ray of light
but sometimes, i guess... we all are fooled
by reflections late at night

i'm almost certain...

that other people exist just so we can keep our own hopes and dreams alive

and the world will live as one

tina is right... little signs are everywhere:

today at the pub, that very song she quotes in her post was played multiple times over my 6 hour shift. no one ever picks it off of the jukebox. ever.

... except today.

my dentist and i are really starting to bond.

today he got his finger stuck on one of the pointy things he had sticking out of my tooth. neither of us made it out of this session without shedding blood.

with only three more appointments to go... i'm thinking i should make him a mixed cd or something nice before our infatuation period is over. seriously... the man always leaves me tingling.

novocaine wearing off is the almost the coolest feeling in the world- second only to the vibrations of a drill against your face.

time to pop a half-dozen advil before the numbness and tingles are replaced with searing pain. work will be quite fun today...

i hope i drool on someone's plate.

baby steps...

all four blogs are set up and rollin'.

you have no idea how much this makes me giggle uncontrollably... yet want to go hide under my covers all at the same time.

here comes the hard part, folks: the content.

we each have to ride this initial burst of excitement as long as humanly possible. ramble on just for the sake of rambling. type it all up even when you really don't have anything to say. leave comments. post responses. come up with challenges for yourself and the rest of us.

set this bar higher than you can reach and then don't stop jumping, stretching and piling up anything you can stand on to try and touch it.

keep.moving.keep.bleeding.keep.the.dream.alive.

the fuzzy panda bear is right.

i won't be able to fall in love with anyone else until i am in love with my self. it really isn't enough to front like it... i really have to feel it.

every night it's another dramatic conclusion that contradicts the one from the night before. yet every night i go to sleep excited and full of anticipation on what tomorrow night's will be.

something tells me that this is what life is supposed to be like... and i've just now figured that out.

on time ... and how much we need.

AmngStarz: i think it takes approximately 4 minutes to fall in love.
jamesaddicshun: hahahahahha
jamesaddicshun: probably
jamesaddicshun: its the rest of the time spent either rationalizing it or pushing it away
AmngStarz: 1 minute for phermonal/sexual attraction
AmngStarz: 1 minute for chemistry and connection through body language
AmngStarz: 1 minute for social/mental exchange through eye contact
AmngStarz: 59 seconds to get scared
AmngStarz: 1 second to say "hi"

word of the morning:

quix·ot·ic (kwk-stk) adj.

1. Caught up in the romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality.
2. Capricious; impulsive: “At worst his scruples must have been quixotic, not malicious” (Louis Auchincloss).

[From English Quixote, a visionary, after Don Quixote, hero of a romance by Miguel de Cervantes.]

stone get's credit for this one. it's absolutely perfect. sheesh!!

oh it's just bloody BRILLIANT!!!

i'm so flipping excited.

life is gorgeous right now... and i love how it always seems to take this turn upward after a period of poopiness. growth, change and life really do develop out of stagnancy, fear and death.

i want to share all of it with you folks out here in internet land- i really do. but sometimes my writing just can't do it justice... and i won't lie- i've been really busy and uninterested in typing up journal entries.

not spending even an hour in front of the computer every day has been very liberating. that, along with not spending hours on the phone every night, has helped me let go of a lot of self-perpetuated depression.

possibility in itself has truly become the love of my life... and right now my horizon is full of it.

changing the focus of my hopes and ideals from that of love and relationships to that of self-exploration, creation and discovery... that has put me in control of my destiny. that has finally given me the permission i have been denying myself since adolescence to really live the way i want to.

moment by moment. day by day. my journey now has direction and purpose and i can't wait to meet my ever-changing and developing challenges for myself head on.

there is no better place to start...

then right smack in the middle of things.

now, i know that upon first read-through that might not make too much sense.

scientific fact tells us that the brain is most likely to remember the beginning and the end of any series or experience (the serial position effect is how educated people refer to this phenomenon).

but if we relate this to real life (and smaller words)... lists, movies, trips, books, songs, relationships, sports games... even life in general is always about the birth and the death. the first and the last.

why is it, exactly, that we don't seem to recognize the importance of the middle? it all just gets lumped together and overlooked. first speculated and then summarized.

come on, people!! the process... the journey... that's where all the good stuff really happens. and knowing that we aren't hot-wired to stop and take note of all of these moments of the in-between... it's going to take a lot effort on our parts to really appreciate and grow to understand their significance.

... consequently

i will not set the scene. i won't even introduce the characters. it doesn't matter who we are or how we got here. and "here" isn't that vital either.

what does matter is that we are all dedicating our lives to the arts. to self-discovery through expression and creation.

and well... we want to share our journeys with each other, and with you.

no matter how the stories began... or how they might end.

words from the gut:

i honestly don't know what i am more upset about... the fact that it is over... or the fact that i called that shit from the beginning and managed to fool myself into thinking that i was wrong.

that i actually chose a fantasy world that i knew deep down would never exist... i CHOSE it. i said "please, come tear my heart and and make me more disillusioned. i'll like it. i swear."

and i did.

i adored every make-believe second of it.

such an idiot. fuck me.

surprisingly accurate...

SoleiLuna23: dude
SoleiLuna23: I envision you (if you were an inanimate object) to be a big desk
AmngStarz: ....?
SoleiLuna23: with papers and files and notes and messages and junk all over it
AmngStarz: lol
AmngStarz: thanx.
SoleiLuna23: haphazardly thrown down, chaotic
SoleiLuna23: yeah

i wonder if dawn has any idea how big a compliment she was giving me. hehe.