i miss my david. ::frown::

so winter break is a big time for movies. i watched this one tonight.

Donny Darko.

very cool. freaky ass website.

fine fine fine!!

i know, i know... a few of you have been pressuring me to update. well i was taking a break from the blogging world. the holidays are a very family-oriented time for me... unlike those of you who retreat to your rooms and fart away the day on your computer to avoid interaction with your bloods. anywho... let's see... what's been going on that is kind of important...

well... got rehired at starbux. i start monday. woot.

i did the mewwy cwismiss thing. good times.

fantasized about my cousin's new husband... and then proceeded to feel bad about it all evening.

did a lot of PS2 playing with the bro. i really dig tekken 4. jin is my man.

cleaned and arranged my new living quarters. spent a lot of time in the kitchen. i don't understand how they live this way.

haven't worn a bra for 2 days straight. being the borderline C/D that i am... this cannot be good for my back.

i saw When Harry Met Sally for the first time ever. left me speechless and glowing.

thought about making more of an effort to have a romantic social life. i mean... i think i need to take a more pro-active approach to this... at least cure some of my frustrations obviously visible through the previously stated fantasies.

you know... more of the same old shit. there ya go, people... one hell of a juicy blog. yum. goodnight.

Happy Burfday, Daddy!

so yesterday was my daddy's 64th burfday. we are celebrating it today, however, with a trip to see the rings and then dinner. but what is interesting is that instead of me giving him a present today... he gave me one.

he's talking to me again.

and now i can honestly say to everyone... Happy Holidays!

to alley and sammy

two bigger hearts
i have yet to come across

strength that humbles my own
and a drive that leaves me in the dust

but somehow I urge myself to press on
only armed with the idea of sharing something with them

hope is alive
I can see it in their eyes
love is rampant
they hold it in their hands

they are the reason I want to sing.
with them I feel like I have something to bring
to the table

so open and accepting
their love and appreciation without even knowing
how the thought of their smiles can get me through a day.
and how i sometimes i don't even have to say

... thank you.

smack my ass and call me sweetheart.
i hate unisexual nick names that have lost their novelty...

beginnings

so this here is a little ditty that jaystar and i came up with last night. the lyrics are very pretty and cheesy, but the song is beautiful (thanks to his gheetar playin).

Waterfall:

But I'm afraid that if I crashed into you
that you wouldn't crash back
And I'm afraid that if I went the distance
you wouldn't meet me there
I'm afraid that if I sang all my love songs to you
that you wouldn't hear me

And we would fall just like everyone else in
every other love story they tell

And it would all be all right
and we would stare off into the bright, starry night

It would be simple; perfect
just like how they said it would be

I'd wear purple, sun-swept
eyes that weren't me

And we would fall just like everyone else in
every other love story they tell

But I don't want it to be
something so easily
Packaged, labelled and sent out
for everyone to see

I don't want it to be the same
as what I read
and listened to

And we would fall just like everyone else in
every other love story they tell

And so instead, I'm not going to crash into you
I'll just hold your hand
So instead, I'll go the distance
but not the one that we planned
And even though I'm afraid that you'll hear me, I will still sing this
love song to you....

times of crisis can really help remind you how many wonderful people you know.

and now...

to top liz's semester off...

she won't be getting paid until january 10th!!!

AND

her car broke down this morning!!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

AIM love.

so in continuing with the "ijustgotrejectedfromtheboyihavebeeninfatuatedwithoverthelastmonthandahalfpleasehugme" saga... i thought i'd share some of the conversations that i have had over the past few days that have made me smile. These have all obviously been editted to protect the guilty.

Christmas Confessions:

i'm sorry everyone... i have been keeping some things from you this past month or so. but with my returning to G'burg and the end of the semester... this saga has come to an end. Alley sent me a wonderful email full of things for me to keep in mind... but one quote hit me in particular.

It turned out that this man worked for the Dalai Lama. And he said - gently - that they believe when a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born - and that this something needs for you to be distracted so it can be born as perfectly as possible.

-Anne Lamott

i'm not going to lie to myself. this semester has been one of insane challenges and new situations for me. my entire college experience has been one of great change, drama and sadness. and no, i'm not doing one of those pity party things... i am keeping in mind the essence of that passage. throughout all of this work, stress and nastiness... i have learned and grown a lot. i have made a ton of progress in becoming the woman i want to be. and well, i think that this big, lovely thing that is being born...

is me.

without everything that has been going on... without moving around so much, without commuting all those semesters, without working with orientation, without all my family problems, without all of my lost and loved friends... i wouldn't be who i am. i wouldn't believe or want or love the things that i do.

i somehow manage to distract myself with my life just enough that when i turn around and look at myself i still seem to find something new and wonderful that makes me proud to be who i am.

most recently... the new and wonderful thing was that i got up enough courage to tell my exroommate that i have been uncomfortable around him because i had developed more-than-friend feelings for him. i always knew in the back of my mind that it wouldn't work out... but that didn't matter. i still wanted him to know.
and yeah, it didn't work out- but i was honest and i had enough faith in myself and our friendship that things would be ok no matter what. of course... i had my meltdown, i had my tears, and i had the support system of what seemed like billions of friends who were there for me and proud of me for going through with it.

i had fallen in love with the idea of him... and the idea of being with someone again. it didn't help that i saw him ALL of the time and that he is an extremely flirty and adorable guy who always seemed to know just what to do to make me laugh and feel special.

sigh. loneliness can do crazy things to you.

and yeah... i still love him to death and i will always carry a piece of him around in my heart, but i also know that he isn't the one for me. i knew that from the get go. but i looked passed all of the BLATANT reasons why we wouldn't work together because i wanted that happiness so bad. i wanted that magic. and i created it in my brain.

i'm just thankful that he didn't quirk out and act like a dick to me. he came pretty damn close... but a very special friend of mine came to his rescue. i owe that special someone a big hug.

sorry, i know i am still being vague... but going back and recounting everything that happened throughout all of this would be too draining and you all really don't need to know all that. plus... i already did it once. heh. just not on paper.

anyways... now that school is over... and i'm back at my momz place... and i don't have a 24/7 distraction in the form of four wonderful men wandering around (only one- and my brother doesn't really count- even though he is pretty damn hot)... my page is going to be paid a little bit more attention. i have already gotten a few responses to the featured writer idea, and i shall try to implement that before Xmas. i would also like to put up more of my own writing and get some of my lyrics up here after jason and i have worked on them more. so yeah, don't start slacking because you are all going home for the holidays... you still need your daily dose of lizzie goodness.

My First Featured Writer:

I couldn't resist. Stephanie Johnson has written a beautiful piece on one of the greatest topics ever, and I feel as though it is my duty to share this with my readers. Did I mention that she is an amazing person, and a frightfully wonderous diva as well? This has made me think about having a featured writer or something to that effect every once in a while... so if you have a desire to share something with me, please drop me an email or shout out.

But for now... on with the show.

Close your eyes and picture yourself thumbing through the racks at your favorite store -- unfolding, refolding and unfolding again numerous pairs of jeans -- praying to find that “perfect size”. Many women, myself included, suffer through the ritual torture that is seasonal wardrobe augmentation, or in laymen’s terms, the clearance sale at Old Navy. As if competing with other women to get that last red v-neck sweater is not enough, we women also must also deal with the Battle of the Bulge. And you, my friend, with said sweater in hand, are headed right towards ground zero of the battle – the fitting room. Inside the fitting room many sounds can be heard: the cheers of victory of finally wearing a size smaller, or the agony of defeat, realizing that you’re not a size X anymore. How many of us go into the fitting room with multiple sizes of clothes: the size that you used to wear, the size that you think you are now and the size you wished you could be. But what is it about trying on clothing that makes American women petrified?

Fat. Belly, tummy, gut, love handles stomach fat, leg fat, butt fat, back fat, feet fat, arm fat, and in my case, even neck fat. Every woman on this planet has body fat. We may have hundreds of ways of hiding it, but we all have it. It’s just that some have more than others. I have more fat than my co-worker who just ran a marathon and she has more fat than my other friend who is a dancer, but none of us are “fat”. So what is the exact definition of being “fat”? Why is it seen as acceptable for women to have flabby arms but not a flabby belly? What is it about a flabby belly on a woman that makes her unattractive to American eyes? Why is that some cultures adore stomach fat on women while other cultures are absolutely repulsed by it - developing machines, pills, workout tapes, liquid diets and anything else to eliminate it? In order to answer these questions we have to look at not only the history of stomach fat, but also how we get it and why some women have more of it than others.

All humans, no matter their age, size, or shape have body fat. Always have, always will. We all have a little extra fat to tide us over in case of a food shortage. (Think bears eating up for the long winter). Among our ancestors, in a time far, far away, it was those who could put on the most fat that were able to survive during famine in order to populate the world and make you and me. As a result of our efforts, women have more body fat than men, especially in the stomach area, in order to stay alive during food shortages and feed her baby. Once the male has planted the seed, he’s no longer necessary. (Sorry fellas!) Therefore, he does not need to develop much fat in the tummy area. (Sadly, the dawn of Budweiser changed this forever.) According to writer Merilyn Simonds, a quarter of the fat in humans come from inherited genes. So already, some people would have inherited more stomach fat from their ancestors.

Other than inheritance, there are many other ways that people collect belly fat:
leading a sedentary lifestyle, being genetically pre-disposed to it, having physical problems that do not allow you to exercise that area of your body (low back pains) taking medications that makes you produce less fat-burning hormones to eating large quantities of chili burgers, cheese steaks and snacky cake. Being children of the 80s, we are all too familiar with the many products out there that are designed to help us “lose weight and feel great!” But if all of these products worked in the long run, why are there more “overweight” people in America than “healthy” people? The answer is simple; there is no diet or exercise program that will work for everyone. Every individual person has his or her own biological characteristics. Therefore, finding the miracle pill that works for everyone really would be a miracle!

Since everyone has their own biological characteristics of how they are supposed to be, what is the exact definition of “being fat?” Normally when we talk about “being fat” we are really talking about being overweight, or obese. Obesity is a serious health condition which many people need to seek profession help for. But having “excess” body fat alone is not considered healthy. Simonds quotes blood-lipid specialist Jean-Pierre Despres who wants people “[to] see how obesity has to be redefined. It is not a matter of excess weight.” He then goes on to say that it is not the outside fat that we should be worry about, “not the subcutaneous fat that is on your thighs.” Unfortunately, we cannot see the fat that surrounds the organs just by looking at one another. Therefore, it is unfair to stigmatize someone who has love handles as fat, lazy and unhealthy.

Technically speaking, the healthy range of body fat for a woman is 25%. You need at least 17% percent to start your menstrual cycle and 22% to continue having your cycle on a regular basis (“Low Body Weight”). While 22-25% may seem like a lot, this is necessary to maintain fertility. Without this quarter of body fat that all women inherited from our ancestors, women would be unable to reproduce. Therefore, in order to maintain health, some body fat is needed.

Besides, many cultures around the worlds feel that “fat” can sometimes add to a woman’s beauty. Many a song has been written about the preference for a plump derrière. More than anything, tummy fat is seen in these communities as a symbol of womanhood, whether it be from childbearing or simply reaching the age of maturity.

Tragically, too many women in this country of all nationalities suffer from having a negative self-image. “Women carry [fat] where it is hard to hide,” says Simonds, “and worse, the standard of beauty against which they measure themselves grows more emaciated every year.” If every American woman went on the Model’s Diet (a diet Coke and a pack of cigarettes), in order to look like Gisele, very few of us would actually be able to get to her size because of our biological makeup. Instead of starving ourselves and working ourselves to exhaustion, we should all learn to love our body sizes, no matter what they are. If you’re skinny, love every tiny molecule of yourself. If you not super skinny, hey, there is just more of you to love. And if you listen carefully, you may just overhear some of those skinny girls wishing they had some of your curves. Remember, beauty and physical attractiveness is more than just the physical. In the words of an old disco tune, “We’ve got use what we’ve got to get what we want.” Shake it, flaunt it, show it, accentuate it, tattoo it, put a piercing through it. Learn to love your symbol of womanhood and carry it proudly with you wherever you go.


Works Cited:

Simonds, Merilyn. “Who’s Fit? Who’s Fat?” Equinox May/June 1995:
http://www.chrcrm.org/medal96.htm (Accessed 12 November 2002).

“Does Low body Weight Affect Fertility?” iVillage.
http://www.parentsplace.com/expert/fertilityspecialist/qas/
0,10338,238711_111583,00.html (Accessed: 12 November 2002).

home sweet home... sorta.

i moved back home to G'burg today... and the computer and stereo are hooked up, so i guess that kinda makes it official. i missed my ol' dial up... in a sick, twisted, i-love-torturing-myself-with-blunt-objects sort of way.

the move was easy, thanx to my superstar of a brother who came up and helped me. all of my exroommates were MIA all last night and today... so not only did i hafta struggle most of the day by myself, but i didn't really get to say goodbye to them either. that was kinda disappointing. who am i kidding... i have been poopie all day because of it.

but.

no matter, right?

they aren't going to be a big part of my life anymore, really... so i guess i should stop feeling sorry for myself and focus on the present and future. so yeah...

here's to the future.
may i not drown in my own tears from the social waste land i am about to fall into.

i'm really sad and scared.

i don't wanna move back home. i don't wanna screw up on my finals. i don't want to mess up the only sparkle of magic i have had over the last two years.

and well, it looks like i'm about to do all three of these things! and all within the same week! go me!!

.......


i know that i just need to suck this up and do what i need to do. i know this will make me stronger and better off. i know that i am doing the right things. but i also know that this is going to be hard. it's going to be hard and lonely. and i don't know how much lonelier my life could get.

i have to be prepared to deal with the choices i have made... but that sure as hell doesn't mean i am going to enjoy them all of the time.

who knows... this could be the beginnings of something new and beautiful... or a reaffirmation of what i need and want to do to avoid this in the future.

just know that if you see or talk to me over the next month or so, i am going to be out of it. utterly and completely out of it.

i'll need a hug.

screw you, ice!!

it almost seems fitting that during the most wretched time of the year that we are cursed with ugly snow. yep. you heard me. ugly snow. that's what happens after the magic of the powdery white goodness has worn off and all we have now is icky brown salty/cat littery mixed with slush and ice and black shit from the roads nastiness.

and that rain. bastards.

i've done all i can do
sitting here staring at you.
i think it's time i said what's on my mind.

my brother. MY mother fucking brother.

GuyNamMike: We live our lives in a world we made...we have made rules and stereotypes that we conform to...why? Live your own damn life and don't let the world bring you down. The majority sucks...those forged people...they can't live their own life because they are weak and can't express themselves. They get intoxicated and high because their lives are crappy and they hate it and want to sever away from the reality. So don't allow them bring you down. Stay strong and be yourself and not what others want you to be.
GuyNamMike signed off at 10:21:19 PM.


** Edited to add his final draft (after some adivce from yours truly):

GuyNamMike: ok
GuyNamMike: We live in a world with all of these unspoken rules and stereotypes. We live in this world that we made... and we conform to these rules. But why? Why do we push ourselves to fit into this mold? Why are people so afraid to do their own thing? Live your own damn life and don't let the world bring you down. The majority is too scared to be themselves. Those forged people... they are weak and can't express themselves. They get intoxicated and high because their lives are terrible and they hate it and want to sever away from the reality. So don't allow them bring you down. Stay strong and be yourself and not what others want you to be.
GuyNamMike: how dat?

with the combination of last night's amazing conversation and sharing, this morning's lazy start, the white outside, the creative process that is winterguard, christmas specials on tv and the romantic plans i have played out in my head more times than i can count...

i'm just feeling magical.



... i hope he feels it too.

you have got to be kidding me.

that's just retarded.

lock and load:

crazy, crazy night. the mixing of different worlds and colliding of people in my life. it so weird when you bring so many different aspects of who you are and what you do into the same circle. yesterday i had the most radical time doing ENGR orientation and redecorating the office... then heading over to Lupo's for a reunion dinner with the OA's from this summer... then making and indulging in some heavenly fudge and company at MariB's... then over to the courtyards for what proved to be the weirdest party i have EVER been to in my whole entire life... then to Plato's for late night dining with some rad TGWers... and then home to my heat-impaired house and ridiculously entertaining roommates.

i have SO missed being the social butterfly that i was yesterday. i ADORE people. i feed off of their energy and vibes... and anyone who saw me at any point last night can vouch for that.

oh, and don't worry... after i pack up some of my stuff and go back to G'burg for the evening... i will be sure to fill you in on details.

a side note: i think my favorite moment of the day is smacking the alarm clock and snuggling back into my bed. the chilly air in my room really does give me a new appreciation for my body warmth and cuddly goodness of my down comforter and 80 thousand pillows.
my second favorite moment of the day is getting into my cold ass bed and settling in for sleep. the sheets are like ice and it takes me 10 minutes to warm them up. my anemia accounts for my freezing fingers and toes, and for those 10 minutes i wiggle them and move them up and down my legs and arms to try to steal some of the heat radiating from the center of my body. it's chilling... and my mind wanders... setting me up nicely for a night full of unbelievable dreams.

sigh. the center of my world is my bed.

what the fuck?

someone actually got to my site using this search....

Google: pouring wet squishy food all over her ass

look what i found in the archives...

I have never seen such an ugly, fat, funny girl come alive
Like the way you did when tears lit up your eyes

As you spoke of the things that make you cry
The things that make you feel like you want to die
But leave your insides
Turned, twisted and alive

That alive feeling only a conflict can bring
Like the conflict my heart has with my self-conscious head
Every time I open my mouth only not to sing

The Rules:

1. If you meet a person at a party/bar/social gathering with alcohol and hook up with said person within the next 24 hours… it was a hook up.

2. If you meet a person at a party/bar/social gathering with alcohol and you dig them in a “iwanttodomorethanjusthookupwithyou” sort of way… do NOT hook up with said person within the next 24 hours.

3. If you plan on hooking up with someone… don’t EVER expect it to be more than that.

4. If it IS more than that… you should inform the other party involved BEFORE you hook up.

5. If it BECOMES more than that after hookuping… either keep your mouth shut and just enjoy the play, or come clean to partner.

6. Parties involved in random hook ups are not to get jealous or possessive of said hook up partner.

7. If one party becomes jealous/possessive… walk away… quickly.

8. They are called RANDOM hook ups for a reason. When/if one or both parties want to stop the hookuping… that is the end of it. PERIOD.

9. If you think you are DATING and not just HOOKING UP, then you should be able to discuss this openly with other party involved.

10. If every time you hang out you hook up and/or only hang out in order to hook up… you are NOT dating. You are hookuping.

11. If you want more that just a hook up… don’t lie and say all you want to do is have fun.

12. If you are happy and comfortable with yourself and being single… stop obsessing and bitching about guys hitting on you.

13. If you cannot hook up with a person without becoming attached to said person… DO NOT FUCKING HOOK UP WITH THEM AND STOP BITCHING ABOUT WHEN PEOPLE PLAY YOU.

But isn't that the point?

Doesn’t everybody want to be a walking contradiction?

Say one thing and do the other. Be full of mystery and beauty and things that don't make sense.

People make fun of me when I tell them that "things get to me.” People tell me I shouldn't be so sensitive. I shouldn't worry about it. I shouldn't think about it. What the hell else is the point of me being here then? If things don't get to me… if I'm not sensitive... if I don't think about it... then what makes it real? I don't wanna have things around me that don't get to me. I don't wanna participate in things that don't mean anything to me, or things that I wouldn't want to think about.

Our thoughts and our emotions and how things make us feel- that's really all we have. They determine our reality.

Everything in our lives is a feeling. We see it. We hear it. We smell it. We touch it. We sense it.

And all of those things are nothing without the brain that attaches some meaning to it. And well... I am going to attach meaning to everything. Nothing is "just there.” It's not there... it's making me feel something. I am sensing it. I am feeling it in some way. And people tell me that I shouldn't feel so much. That's like asking me to turn my life down, the volume is too loud.

Well screw that. I like it loud. And I'm good at it loud.
I'm good at living my life.

I'm good at having moments like these.

And frankly, moments like these are all I really want in my life, period. I don't know why I didn't think of that before. Moments like these are driving forces. They are the things that get to you.

You feel like you've opened your eyes for the first time. You feel like you've been looking at yourself in the mirror forever, but, for the first time, you actually see your beauty.

You notice something about you that you never noticed before.

I could spend a lifetime just trying to notice more things about myself. I would never run out of things to see. To hear. To smell. To touch. To feel. About myself. and if you take that and multiply it by all the other people on the planet that you could feel something from, for, about, around, instead of... we have a lot of options. We have a lot of opportunities. We have a lot of things that we take for granted and don't notice.

... He makes me notice. Like how I'm so much more aware of my mouth whenever he's in the room.

Operation Poor:

As some of you very well know, I am recockulously poor. I can only go out to eat when people offer to pay for me, I mooch gas money off of my grandmother, my cell phone has been cut off, I couldn't get any of my close friends burfday presents this month, and well... it got to the point last night where all I had to eat was peanut butter straight from the jar. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I didn't have any options. So as of right now... I am going to start a mission: to make money.

Now, I know this seems very simple to all of you... get a job, right? Well, of course I am going to get a job. I'm also going to hound my current boss about paying me ALL of the freaking money he owes me. But that stuff just isn't creative enough. I want to start a project that will yes, make money, but also be thoroughly enjoyable and wacky to do.

Problem is... I used up my idea of the day for coming up with this idea about having an idea. So, uhh, anyone have any ideas?

yer mom just got a face lift.

a few things:

numbah 1: our heater is broken. somebody come over right now and warm me up!

numbah 2: i miss push pops. i will purchase some tomorrow at the grocery store.

numbah 3: i'm not kidding about that coming over thing. ::winks seductively:: call me!

oh hell yes...

guess what?!?! the archives work now! try to contain your excitment!

the moments have been updated. check out the "stuff" section. look especially for the new addition to the bio.

they closed the engineering office two and a half hours early! i needed that $17!! poop.

however, now i have two hours to play around with you. so let's begin.

i feel as though a gigantic weight has been lifted. i turned in my internship contract today, put some money in the bank, and paid my part of the gas bill. i sat down with my ENGR bosses and worked out a schedule for me to help with orientation over break, and posted the winterguard squad list.

last night i had a wonderful conversation with my adolescent development professor about everything that's been going on... and we talked about resilience and how strength may not be a quality really recognized or appreciated by a lot of people, but that it really does make you beautiful. she is discounting my last exam grade and re-weighting my final. hallelujah.

i've also decided that i am moving back home for the spring semester, and getting a job somewhere in rockville or gaithersburg. even though this is not my first choice for my living situation... i think it will be the best thing for me in the end. not having to worry as much about money will be wonderful... and i can use the commuting time to buff up on singing again. i really do love that drive.

now if i could just get my father to speak to me again...

overall, though... this last week has been the best few days i have had since i can't remember.

yay, me!

so waldorf is pretty interesting. so is the emperor's new groove. so is sharing a twin bed with my favorite kenyan. second recockulously late night i've had in a row... i'm probably going to drop dead tonight when i go home to G'burg.

... like you care.

... i really don't have anything interesting to say.

... yeah.

rock, starz.

i dunno how, but i let it out. not all of it... and not as well as i know i can in the privacy of my own car and shower... but i let it out.

jason and i played for over 4 hours last night.

i think it's just that understanding... that connection between the two of us and what he want to do with this musical magic that makes me so comfortable with him. i know for a fact that i couldn't do what i did with anyone else there, because while joe was outside with us, and even while dan was merely on the other side of the wall, i was choking up, chickening out, and basically sounding like a scared little kid trying out karaoke for the first time.

i just need to get inside these songs and make them mine. i need to stop trying to sing the song just like the original singer. and now i need to work on putting my own words to music. jason is picking up on that one already and i couldn't be more excited. heh. i think he's even learning lisa loeb for me :)

so uh, after a few more practices (hopefully not as spread apart as the last three have been), we are going to try playing for an audience. i'll keep you posted.

i just can't believe how good this feels. it's unreal. i'm slowly starting to slice off those ugly, little, chicken shit wings... and grow some gorgeous, angel wings of my own.

thanx, jason.

Anywho, I stayed up until 6am, talking with a surprisingly intriguing boy... but I don't think anything will come of that. Situational drama. It was nice to entertain the idea, though. I felt butterflies.

Bestest Weekend Ever!

Friday:
Take exam. Survive English. Get free food at ENGR. Go to the knee doctor in Bethesda.

So I hafta wear these blue, hospital gown type shorts. They are unisex, obviously, and have ample crotchular room. My mom watches me amuse myself for about 3 minutes pretending to have a boner. We discuss my lack of sexual maturity and how she sometimes snorts when she laughs too hard. The X-ray doode starts picking on me right away because I choose to walk around the office without shoes on. We engage in friendly conversation until I lay down on the X-ray table and he adjusts my legs, commenting on how I could use a shave. I return the favor by making fun of his ear hair. We giggle and he sends me back to my mum, who by now has folded up my ripped jeans in a manner that the Doc can't see the holes.

Doc comes in. Doc is young. Doc is hot. He picks up on my vibes right away and starts making fun of my "funny" knee caps. He explains how being interesting is a plus, but having an interesting medical situation is a huge minus. Thanx, Doc. So he lays me down and starts fucking around with my knee. He then sits down and starts talking to me about my knees and my past problems with dislocating them. As to not be rude, I sit back up on the table thingy. No later than 10 seconds after I sit up, he instructs me to lay back down and starts feeling my leg muscles to see how much physical therapy I'm going to need. Then he sits back down, and I sit up. We go through this routine two more times, my mother giggling and snorting more each time. By now, my face is a pubescent-acne-pink, and my shorts are becoming a little tighter due to my imaginary boner.

We discuss my options and possible issues with surgery. Doc states that I am an "obviously active girl," with "ample leg muscles," but feels that I should do 60 leg lifts a day. Now I hafta lay back down again so he can properly instruct me on how to do these lifts. I hafta lie flat and bend one knee to stabilize. Then I hafta tense my whole leg and lift it slowly to a 45 degree angle, hold it there for ten seconds, and then slowly lower it. Then I hafta relax my leg for ten seconds and then repeat. Sixty of these things a day. That's going to take me over 20 minutes. A day. After number 20, Doc says it's going to taste like burning. I try to negotiate with him, using the valid argument that I already have thunder thighs, and would rather he give me a target work out for my abs. Doc is not convinced, but gives me a quick up-down to see if there were any other areas I might need to work on.

Doc explains to my mum that he'd rather me deal with the occasional pop-out with minimal pain, then a 3-month long, painful surgery that may only lead to early arthritis. He says that I need to come in 6 weeks from now so he can check my progress and see if there is any other issue. Shit. It's like a hot personal trainer only worse. This one has a stethoscope.
Doc slips out and two med students come in to fit me for my very own, fancy-shmancy knee brace. Mum hints from behind them that she thinks the one on the left is attractive... and so naturally, I kick him in the shin while he tries to adjust the straps on my brace.
Smooth.
After another snort, a $20 co-pay and a moral dilemma over keeping or throwing away the shorts, mum and I exit the office.

Then I meet my brother back in College Park. Give him tour, go Quiznos, play Twisted Metal Black, shmooze about his painting and in general, enjoy Michael's company. Love. That boy.

Then fart around with roommates (literally in Danny's case) and head over to 8709 for a toga party. Didn't stay long, or really dig the scene, but saw and hugged Alley so all was worth it. Did I mention Danny's gaseous explosions? Ok, good. Then home for staple pj pants, tank top and 10 Things I Hate About You.

Saturday:
So I sleep until 1pm. Take heavenly shower and put on my staple grey sweat pants. Roll out with Dawnie Bears for some partay shopping at Target and a burfday burrito.

We ran into a parade. In the Ghetto Mall parking lot. I'm not kidding. A parade. Right in front of Target. "Only in PG county," states burfday girl.

Head to G'burg for burfday dinner wif brother and parents. Oh, sweet geezus I ate well. Good thing too, because it helped me drink like a fish later in the evening.

Ok. Let's get to the party. Can I just say... I had the most wonderful time. Cleavage... gorgeous hair... African Hip Hop... The Wheel of Passion... awesome new people... the "We Hate Boys" beer pong game... shot after shot after shot...

I mean, don't get me wrong... there was drama. A shit load of it. To quote an old friend of mine "a cubic shitload." But you know what?!?!

None of it was mine!!!!!

I KNOW!! HOW INSANE IS THAT?!

I just hope that Dawn knows, deep down, how wonderful she is and that anyone who could diss her like that is not worthy of her tears. She had one hell of a party. Everyone had fun. And she has so many wonderful, caring people who love her... it was wonderful just to be a part of that. I owe her big for pulling off the party that I couldn't. She is truly a goddess.

Sunday:
Slept till 12:30 in Dawn's gargantuanly delicious bed. Retreated back to 2020, only to shower, glow and go see Harry Potter again wif Brandon. We got into it about motivation and ambition. Silly how different things are now. Then had dinner party with Kinya and gracious host, Tina. Excellent food and superb conversation.

Didn't think about any of my drama until I got home and talked with one of my roommates a little bit about depression and family issues. Funny how things can revamp all of your priorities and truly change your entire outlook on life. I wish he (and I) the best of luck.

Then had juicy conversation with rock star, Jason. He is the most wonderful boy in the world. Hands down. Cute, silly and just pure yummy-slacker-goodness. We are making music tomorrow night (er, tonight). I cannot wait to sing with him.

And on that note, you assholes, consider yourself fuckin blogged.

farting around

i've grown accustomed to
playing the part that i do
i've gotten used to
not being the one that goes home with you

you've gotten used to
avoiding my stares
you've gotten used to
me always being there...

you think that's good?!

well... you should hear me sing it. i mean, damn!

damn.

i really need to post some quality again... it's been like two weeks.

sorry to those of you who bother to keep checking anyways... i'll have some good, new shit tonight! i promise!

but for now.... it's off to Hogwarts.

well...

at least i got some good news about the knee...

I realized a long time ago that the less that I do and the less I put myself out there, then the less I am going to learn. The less I’m going to know. And just that knowledge… just that opportunity to experience something- and how it makes you feel, grow and develop… I just can’t help but love that. I think that’s the love of my life right there: learning.

/dork

ahem.

so much drama in the L i Z
it's so hard being Poop D O double G

Happy Eighteenth Burfday, Bro!

::blows kisses::

maybe i need to start taking life a little more seriously...


BWA HA HA HA HA!

... yeah right.

oh, and before i get time to write about the adventure that was last weekend... i should at least give mad love to the members of the DCC. i can't think of too many other people i'd acutally want to spend such a retarded and drama-filled weekend with. and dear lord, if we EVER go camping again... we will check the freaking weather report, we will give clear and consise directions or all drive together, we will all learn how to drive a big truck, we will all train so we can run 10 miles in the rain with no socks and sprint away effectively when people try to shoot at us, and we will NOT take fire crotch.

thank you.

movies that you should see. like... right now.

8mile: surprisingly inspirational and thought-provoking. marshal ain't a bad actor at all. and if for no other reason... you need to hear their version of Sweet Home Alabama.

Harry Potter Numbah 2: i dunno how, but they made me cry again. i just cannot get over how quality this stuff is. seriously, it takes real talent to create something so entertaining and enjoyable without falling back to the sex, violence and nastiness that is the current media scheme. read the damn books too.

It’s been over twelve years.

Twelve years and I can still remember crawling into bed with my mom and my dad in the middle of the night. I would slip in between them, and as my dad scratched my back, my mom would listen to me explain my bad dreams.

I can still remember what his side of the bed smelled like and what her side of the bed smelled like.

ever notice...

how rain puddles and corners collect fallen leaves?

a lot of people have been asking me where i was this weekend and how i am doing... and i feel as though i need to explain myself a bit. the reason i have not been inclined to talk about things is a very simple one: i'm sick and tired of having so many problems and issues that i need to deal with.

and no, don't try to pull that "the only way to help get through these things is to talk about them" crap with me because i've talked everything in my life to death. talk, talk, talk talk talk... it gets draining and old. i figure i just need to do what i have to do and not waste my time trying to explain everything to everyone.

everyone has issues and things they need to deal with. especially at this point in our lives. college is a mind trip and an overload. and let's just say that i am feeling both of those right now.

it makes me sad that i have come to expect and accept the worst in my life. it is almost the norm for me. things happen for a reason... and i know that i will go through what i need to go through in this life even if it does have a rediculously negative undertone. i know that there is a point to all this. holding on to sight of that is what my challenge is. and it is a personal challenge... one that i don't need to share with the world... yet, anyways.

so again, thank you to everyone who has offered and hinted at being there for me, listening to me, trying to give me advice and just checkin up on me and reminding me that they care. i appreciate it more than you know.

my life has taken a pretty big turn this weekend, one that has made me re-prioritize. and unfortunately, this means nanowrimo will be an unsuccessful adventure for me this year. i will write a book. many books. i am just not supposed to do it right now. i have to live the story before i can write it.

love.

very fitting for me at present:

"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. it's so fuckin heroic."

~George Carlin

I have decided that there are a few dates I need to go on. Like… right now. Here is my list:

1. The National Gallery of Art
2. Book Store & Coffee Shop
3. My Bed on a Sunday Afternoon
4. Ten Ren's Tea House (i envision a massive tapioca-pudding-ball fight)
5. Bowling

Don’t laugh, you bitches.

One of his pant legs is stuck in his sock. In his fucking sock. How the hell does he expect to be intimidating and hardcore with HIS PANTS STUCK IN HIS SOCK?!?!

she beats her head against the bars in the
same old way and wonders if there is a bigger place
the railroads run to from Chicago where maybe
there is
romance
and big things
and real dreams
that never go smash.

~e.e. cummings

ShockWaveN: yer not among them, damnit, you are the star
AmongStarz: wow
AmongStarz: i love you.

bitter's got some new lizzie-goodness for you all to see.

l2icochet: you always have the best profile's and away messages ever. I am talented for being able to type this well - as drunk as I am... but you always have the best profiles and away messages. just thought you should know.

thank you! someone finally noticed. heh.

I came very close to making a horrible mistake tonight.

Thank God I didn’t.

Kristi is going through that stage in her life where she desires, probably more than anything in the world, someone to give her a unique and meaningful nickname. However, because her expectations are so high and her desire for this is still unspoken, no one in her life has successfully accomplished this yet. And being the take-charge kinda girl that she is… Kristi has come up with an idea on her own… Krist.

I know, like her real name wasn’t cute and different enough already.

……….

“Yes, mother, I am aware that it resembles the word ‘Christ,” but no one is stupid enough to actually make that association except you.” With that, my mom’s whole body went from that yummy, squishy, mommy goodness to that rigid and cold stuff that drill sergeants are made of.
“I mean… umn… no one is as religiously aware as you are…” Ugh. Nice save there, Kristi. There she goes with the look! How the hell do I get myself out of this one?
“Yeah… I’m just going to stop talking now.”

“That’s the most intelligent thing I have heard you say all week, dear. Now please, I just want to make sure you aren’t taking this little creative outlet thing too far. I’m all for self-expression and uniqueness and all, but- who even gave you that lame nickname in the first place?”
“It’s not lame, Mom, and you wouldn’t know him. He, uhh, he goes to school with me.” No, no, no! Don’t fidget with your fingers… she knows you do that when you are lying!

……….

I knew she was lying. I have the same trouble with not telling the truth that she does. Us Sintell’s are just not good at being dishonest. She even looks to the left just slightly as her brain tries to configure the story like I do.
“Sometimes you make me wonder.”
“Wonder about what, Mom?”
“Do you really think that I can’t tell when you lie to me? I mean, this is what I do for a living… catch little rats like you in the act. Give me a little credit, Kriiiiiist.”

……….

So what if she is an Adolescent Psychologist?! She’s only human, for God’s sake. I figure I can slip one through the system every now and again.
“Look, just let me be who I want to be. I like being called Krist. And I think you’ll eventually like it too.”

……….

Actually, it’s what I had in mind to call her my entire life. I’ve always wanted it to be Krist. That’s why I named her Kristin in the first place. Jake just didn’t like it… thought it sounded too gothic for our first child. So I settled with Kristi, hoping that this idea would eventually come up. Damn, I’m good.

Sometimes the connection I have with my daughter scares me. I hope it scares her a little bit too.

The only trick now is to make sure she can’t see how excited I am about this development.
“Fine. Call yourself whatever the hell you want to! And in following, you can call me Turnip Lips. I’ve gotta go pick up your brother.”

……….

God she can be such a bitch.

……….

Heh.

My english professor is a crackhead.

I have no respect for her or how she runs her classroom. And I do believe she is very much aware of this fact. It definitely proves to be an interesting learning environment.

The course is Intermediate Writing, and it is an elective that not even English majors are required to take. So you’d think… being that she is an educated woman… that she would realize we are all there BY CHOICE. And that we don’t need some guilt trip assy-ass attempt to keep us serious about that class.

Alas. She attempts to keep the class in check by shhh-ing us. Yeah.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Is a very effective way to get your classroom full of 8 year olds to quiet down but come on, lady. I’m old enough to go out and drink you under the table.

She brings stuffed animals into class all of the time. I think she thinks it’s cute and hip. Today, for instance, she decided to have us do a free write about this ugly-as-sin turtle that her daughter slobbers all over (I know she slobbers all over it because she gave us vivid details…and then… yes… you guessed it! She passed the nasty baby-germ-infected thing around to the class so we could thoroughly examine it. Spread disease much?). Now she told us we could describe the retarded thing any way we wanted to. So I CANNOT get in trouble for this:

You know that face from the scary movies that stays in the back of your mind for weeks after you see it? With the big, bugged out eyes… that burn fear and angst into your soul?

Yep. This is what we are giving to your 8 month old.

There is a hole in its underbelly that you can pull a small, baby turtle out of after you rip its skin open, letting the red, bloody goo from its intestines ooze out with the creature, putting me in mind of that scene from Alien 3… yeah… you know the one I’m talking about.

It crinkles, rattles and squeaks… just like the sound effects from Children of the Corn and Pet Cemetery.
Those bright, neon colors burn your eyes like a fire and lead you to turn away in horror.

Children throw it around, chew on it, rip its skin apart… they look at the disfigured reflection in the mirror on its back and begin their long battle with self-esteem…

The symbol in the center of its shell marks, with no doubt, its allegiance to some secret, satanic cult, its extremities being pushed and pulled… beaten, squished and abused unmercifully…

And all the while it has a smile curved on its lips, haunting you with sick pleasure.

Don’t lie. You know you enjoyed it. And I think she will too.
I will be very surprised if I pass this course with anything higher than a C.

I love my cousin, Ian.

ChrgdGBHOi: hows the world spinnin down south
AmngStarz: slowly

I do some of my best thinking in the shower. I am one of those people who enjoy ridiculously hot water… so hot that my skin comes out a big, puffy shade of pinks and reds… the shower door and bathroom mirror all steamy and dripping. Oh dear lord, that’s love right there. The steam clears your sinuses like a curiously strong mint. The juniper breeze body wash foams on your body and fills your newly open nostrils with the pure and clean scent you have come to call your own. The water makes every surface so slick and smooth- even the light layer of mildew collecting at the corners of the tiles closest to the floor. And on days when none of my roommates are home, my voice echoes off of the walls, ringing back to my ears, full of warmth and life that I can’t comprehend why I am not letting anyone hear this. My eyes squint to hold in the contacts I’m not supposed to be wearing in the water, my dollar nail polish chips off of my nails that are now soft and bendable, and my finger tips become wrinkled and squishy to the feeling of my lower back and hips as I wash them of all the stress and pain of my daily excursions. How could I not be filled with thoughts deep and full of rich and delicious life? How could I not feel free and strong in my blue room?

The back of my shirt is now damp with the drops of love still dripping from my wet hair. I could spend days in the shower. In fact. I want to go back right now.

My roommate, Joe, is a freak.

I just thought you all should know.

nanowrimo begins.

I’ve been waiting about a month to write this book. And now, when I sit down to actually start typing the words… I don’t go blank like I thought I would. I imagined myself sitting here, totally clueless as to how to begin or where to go or what exactly to write about.

Maybe I don’t know myself as well as I thought I did.

I painted my fingernails tonight. A silver-grey kind of color. Yes, grey with an E. I think it looks classier. It looks more how I imagine grey would look. Stop hating against my spelling, Mr. Spell Check Underliner Guy.

Yeah.

It’s funny that I started this month off with one of my “I have given up on guys and all that cuddly, yummy, romantical stuff. Seems like the perfect way to start a novel. That slightly jaded, bitter yet still hopeful idealist who has decided that she is better off alone. This is where, if plot sequences hold true like they do in the movies, the man of her dreams comes along and presents our heroine with a whole new set of problems.

It is always about love, isn’t it?

What if you wrote a book that was all about you and your daily excursions… only stretched and skewed just enough to make it seem ridiculous? Maybe that’s what this experience will be like for me.

My life on extremes.

But then again, my life doesn’t really need to be taken to extremes to hold elements of the ridiculous.

So here we go kids, on a thirty-day adventure. Or, more realistically speaking… thirty days worth of journal entrees that just rambled on way too long.

I apologize in advance to anyone who actually reads the whole thing.

Just another tasty treat, from the gang, at Self-Doubt Records!

AmngStarz: i had a dream
AmngStarz: major drama
AmngStarz: it sucked
Kinya08: why would you dream about that
Kinya08: is that what you have been thinking about
AmngStarz: not at all
AmngStarz: its not a good sign though
Kinya08: i think you are a little worried about the uncertinity of it ever happening and thats why you dream of it.
AmngStarz: i give up, kinya
AmngStarz: i just give up
Kinya08: remeber your dreams are your thoughts
AmngStarz: yeah i know
AmngStarz: thats my self doubt
AmngStarz: itll never happen
Kinya08: exactly
Kinya08: thats all your thinking
AmngStarz: no ive been thinking other things lately
AmngStarz: but
AmngStarz: nothing ever happens
Kinya08: that doesnt mean its true, you know what i mean
AmngStarz: its this long game
AmngStarz: i know
AmngStarz: im just
AmngStarz: im sick of this damn game
AmngStarz: i want to know
AmngStarz: and be done
AmngStarz: what is so hard about this?

Happy Halloween, Ding Bats!

love.

love. love. love. love!

"Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones b/c they're afraid of falling & getting hurt. Instead they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong w/ them, when in reality, they are amazing. That is why we just have to be a little patient & the right boy the one who takes a chance to find the good, right apple will come someday..."

-J.J.

I wish I could believe that shit... sigh.

brilliant.

my intermediate writing partner in crime has come up with the most BRILLIANT paper topic ever:

praising tummy fat.

this is a concept near and dear to my heart, and in honor of her genius and inspiration, i shall be writing my own little ode to tummy fat. i'll keep you posted on how that goes... but i am definitely putting a chapter in my nanowrimo about this. and that starts in 2 days!! i'm so excited!

simply BRILLIANT!

"crucial gains"

Fallen Angel

Wonderful, glorious, hallelujah inspiring time last night!! The costume party Dawn took us to was mucho funo. Laura Croft, Greek God, Fallen Angel, Walk of Shame Playboy Bunny and Tigger had one hell of a time. I predict a group like this venturing out to Platinum or Dream really soon. Mark my words.

tesc H 101's AIM profile:

yeah... i look over my shoulder while i'm pumping gas....


i don't think anyone really has a good feeling about this sniper business. i just hope marib is wrong. i want things to be normal again. i want to have petty things to flip out over... i can't handle all of this heavy-duty poop. i don't like just sitting around, waiting to hear about the next victim. even if these are the guys that they have in custody... i'm still not feeling very safe.

How do I find the medium between logical thought and heart-felt passion?

every woman should have (among other things) a set of screwdrivers, a cordless
drill, and a black lace bra...

AmngStarz: yer too criticizing
AmngStarz: on yourself
AmngStarz: critical
AmngStarz: god im dumb

i love me some winged fire dancer.

So I'm Thinking...

about adding a new section to my page. a sort of "list of lists." catchy name, eh?

it would include a virtual cornucopia, if you will, of lists about me. my goals, dreams, accomplishments, characteristics, favorite features... you know... more self-indulgent crap like that. good idea? bad idea? or is just like everyone else's personal page? sigh. creativity... please... come back to me!!!

i updated the moments. see?

Now Don't Get Me Wrong...

whenever someone says that sentence, i think of Goldfinger and that song fuck LA. all that yelling and screaming and bitching... followed up with that unexpected, deep, soothing voice. yep. that's kinda how i'm feeling.

everyone keeps getting me wrong.

back to the point. i walked behind two very cute little girls on my way to my first class today. they were essentially the same person. brown hair, pulled back into a nasty, greasy nest of curls. pastel pink bra headband looking thing. velour sweatsuit. one had a jean jacket on over top, however, thus proving her fashion superiority. now here's where i don't want you to get me wrong. i love velour. and sweatsuits. in fact, i had a bright green velour sweatsuit when i was in high school... i know some of you remember it. ::cough::

but come on now, people. doesn't it get to you that if i ever see either of you, my brain will automatically throw you into the pile of gazillion other cute lil' spark plugs like yourselves i see every day? that, in essence, everyone will remember you as those girls who look like all the other girls? i mean... do you ever even think about that? at all?

but then i started to think... does this really bother me? is this really some twisted, subconscious way that my brain is expressing the jealousy i have over these girls?

people keep assuring me that i'm not fat. like. a lot lately. and it's getting annoying. i KNOW i'm not fat. but i also KNOW that i am not petite. so when i make jokes about it... they are meant to be FUNNY... not some desperate attempt to get people to assure me i don't look like a whale.

i LIKE being a bigger girl. i am happy with my stature and my build. and i like that i don't look like everyone else. the only thing i would really change about my appearance is to shrink my gut a little bit - but i like food and beer (yay, carbohydrates!). so i can deal with that. and if you can't... then you are stupid.

everyone is concerned about their appearance. every girl looks at herself in the mirror every now and again, paranoid about looking unattractive. i do not have some major phobia about my body. but i swear... if this crap keeps up... it won't be long until i do.

i'm awake. i swear i am.

just.











... fuck it.

oh, with the linkage!

well well well, look who else got a face lift! woot. and look out for the bitter boards... they'll be coming soon.

... wait a minute. like that matters. you ass crunchers haven't registered or posted anything in MY forum.

death.

Somebody Help Me Out!

i need a halloween costume. that pimptress idea just isn't working out.

my boy adam made a sexy new layout for his page, axe-wound.com

so, yeah... urmmn... go look at it. ::cheese::

DCCD

So this weekend was interesting. I've been sick for about 5 days now, but i have reached the hawking phlegm stage, so looks like it's on its way out. But no, that was not the highlight of my adventures at 2020 Evansdale. We had a pretty rockin' party on friday night... and dizz won the bet.

... who am i kidding ...

she blew the bet out of the fucking water.


not that i'm bitter or anything. ::snort:: actually though, i'm surprisingly ok with it. my pride is hurting a bit (i even had a back-up plan to secure my win), but other than that... more power to her. i had fun collecting donations for the liz fund and playing power hostess. not too shabby at all.

the competition on saturday was a bit of a bust for the guard. but considering the circumstances... i could not be happier with the effort and energy these kids are putting into it. the weather was not conducive to me getting over this bug, though. sigh.

and sunday was breath-taking. slept late. went home. watched football with the fam. had the deep conversation club dinner. wonderful food. mind-blowing conversation. just love.

mmmn mmmn good.

i love this house. i love these boyz. i hope november and december don't go as fast as september and october did.

i know i know, enough with the annoying quizzes... but this one is just funny!




You are Alkaline Trio. Sorry.

Find which of Mike's least favorite bands you are.

quiz created by mikey.

move faster.
between three and five pages.
i can't come to rehersal tomorrow.
can you spot me a few bucks?
fill out your time sheet.
it's your turn to take out the trash.
when are you coming home this week?
that will be $60.
i can't make it tonight.
will you drive?
you are two payments behind.
geezes, your room is a mess.
call me.
you're going to need to bring it in for repairs.
how can you be so disorganized?
damn, you are getting old.
i need a little more from you.
why can't you be a better friend?
your father is waiting to hear from you.
we need to buy them a present.
can i get a ride?
aren't you graduating this year?
why don't you have a boyfriend?
maybe you are gay.
paychecks won't be in until next week.
you could stand to lose about 20 lbs.
always too busy for me.
do you ever check your email?
it's going to be fine.
oh, so you haven't been to church lately.
why did you miss class?
can you come in early tomorrow?
you always look so tired.
i only see us as friends.
you never answer your cell phone.
can i ask you for some advice.....?

"Good Deed"

so as i was walking through the can of sardines that was Lot 1 today, i noticed that i was about to cross paths directly with another student. female, black, kinda bulky. i made eye contact with her and started to hesitate so she could pass me first. but instead, she stopped dead in her tracks and coldly said "go ahead... i'm not going to fight with you over who goes first." i smiled at first and thanked her. and that was the end. but as i walked farther... i started to get upset. like, pms upset.

why did she assume that i was going to fight with her over who goes first? why did she feel it necessary to say that phrase to me? it was like she knew she was the bigger person just by looking at me. like i am, by default, an inconsiderate, rude person.

funny how a seemingly "good deed" on her part can end up making me feel shitty.

bitch.

... so just for clarification ... a good deed is not that good if the only reason you do it because you assume someone else is going to be a dick about it. give people a freaking chance. this makes me sad, not only because of how i was treated, but because she thinks this way about people.

maybe i'm just over-reacting, but... that totally irked me all afternoon.

I can move mountains.

I will move mountains.

I just haven't decided what color crane to use... yet.

yep. i'm definitely having some issues with sleep again. not good. just- what a mess.

friday will be fun. i hope.

oh yeah... i'm writing a novel next month. maybe that will be the pick me up i need. check it out: nanowrimo. werd.

Tuesday Tradition

surprisingly wonderful evening. could have been better, but hey. i'm satisfied. and it ended with a "booty" call from my friend and yours, matt "i'm a retard and still can't get over shit that happened a year ago and i am in denial about my own assholey prickness" stohrer.

woot. i say woot because i just hung up on him. if nothing else... i can honestly say that i have closed that chapter on my life... and he is not ever going to be able to get to me in any way ever again.

what a moron.

right. so i also did a bangin job (i think) on my exam today and we watched a rad video in class called Eve's Bayou. AND I was able to take a nap.

I also have strategerized my plan for winning the bet this friday. ::evil temptress grin::

::hiccup:: yeah. that's drunk shit-talk at it's best.

i swear, i'll blog goodness again asap.

don't give up on me jsut yet!

i love me some winterguard.

and grumpier old men.

yes.

Just in case you didn't read yer mom:

Tony Lucca: Twenty Somethin

runnin out of money
runnin out of gas
runnin out of reasons to refill my half-empty glass

i can't seem to manage
i can't seem to care
i can't seem to find an answer that wasn't already there

same old, now
same old, now
same old, now
same old

i'm feelin twenty somethin
i'm feelin twenty somethin

oh i had some time on my hands..........

I am 50% British, just like
Hugh Grant
Thought you drive a British sports car you are most likely to have a blowout in LA.
Take the Brit Quiz at
www.darrenlondon.tripod.com/britquiz1.htm
Quiz written by Daz



Which Star-Crossed Marvel Lover Are You?


Which Empire Records Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty


Which My So-Called Life Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty


What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty


Who's Your Inner Music Industry Diva? Find out @ She's Crafty


Would you survive a horror movie? Find out @ She's Crafty



You are Ani Difranco!

Self-obsessed and self-possessed,you are a strong woman with a social conscience,
who centers her life around her art. You pour your life experience and passion
into your art, presenting ideas that resonate deep in the souls of others.

Take the "Which Empowered Female Artist Are You" Quiz
made by and

no. i am not going to see dashboard tonight. because that's just how things always go for me. so don't ask. don't ask if you can have my ticket. don't ask if im going on sunday. don't ask me if i'm ok.

.

rain + liz = late

there is this picture on the "wall of important dead guys" in the engineering department. the doode looks like Mr. Bean. it makes me giggle every time i look at it.

tee hee.

Weird.

Ok, now. Sit down for this. I was organizing some of my writing this evening and thought it would be cool to see what (if anything) I had written about last october. Well... man... look what I found:

October 12, 2001
What is the matter with me?


I'm too idealistic. Too romantic. Too hopeful
I'm too picky
I'm too wrapped up in other areas of my life to do anything about my lack of emotional attachment to anyone...

I haven't found more than a few choice people to actually bother sharing myself with. It seems like no one else would really care... or share themselves with me in return

Yes I'm talking about relationships. I'm talking about sexual attraction. I'm talking about being in love

I'm not going to pretend that something is there just because it would be really nice if there was
I'm not going to fool myself into liking anyone just because I'm lonely... just because I'm a ridiculously large ball of sexual frustration

NO way. I'm better than that

I haven't felt something for someone like that in a long time. Sometimes I doubt that I ever have. I have forgotten what it's like.


................................

ummn, walk around in circles much? craziness.

i feel as though i need to vent about some of the shit that has happened to me over the past week or so just so everyone can kinda understand why i currently have a headache and why i am not the ray of sunshine you all have become accustomed to. ::cough::

so going backwards...

~ I have been posting for 2 hours straight. For those of you fortunate enough not to know what that term means... it is updating student's record and grades on their curriculum sheet, and, in essense, staring at our good friend SIS.

~ Like I mentioned earlier, another colorguard rehearsal has been cancelled and so now I'm wiggin' about their performances in competition coming up. And now Dawn and I hafta work out more choreography without a tape of the music and basically guess and check our way through. ::fingers crossed::

~ I missed HLHP's Career Expo today. I didn't even know we had one... and of course because I skipped my 10am in MMH, I missed the fair. So even though I found out there was a fair last minute, I am not dressed up enough, don't have my resume with me and it takes too long to walk to my car and get back in time.

... OMG how i adore butterscotch candy...

::cough:: sorry...

I miss my Joe-Nell.

AmongStarz: ::hug::
Sugar Baby 8i8: hey!
Sugar Baby 8i8: how are you?
AmongStarz: ugh
Sugar Baby 8i8: that good huh?
AmongStarz: just more and more poopiness.
AmongStarz: your profile is wonderful
AmongStarz: i have gotta say...
AmongStarz: you two are in part one of the only reasons i have faith in love.
Sugar Baby 8i8: what's poopy?
AmongStarz: too much to even get into
Sugar Baby 8i8: i'm sorry
AmongStarz: but i'd hafta say the number one poop
AmongStarz: that would make all the other poop not really matter
AmongStarz: is the fact that i feel very alone.
Sugar Baby 8i8: why do you feel alone?
AmongStarz: same reasons i always have
AmongStarz: no one im really close to
Sugar Baby 8i8: i mean other than me not being there
AmongStarz: no time to foster any real relationships
Sugar Baby 8i8: you have me
AmongStarz: no one really has a clue what i do all day
AmongStarz: or what i believe in and stand for
Sugar Baby 8i8: i know that feeling
AmongStarz: im like runnin this marathon and have no one to run with or anyone even watching
Sugar Baby 8i8: i'm watching... just via satellite
AmongStarz: all i get is negative feedback
AmongStarz: making fun of guard
AmongStarz: my major
AmongStarz: what i wanna do with my life
AmongStarz: mad at me that i have no free time
AmongStarz: people talking about how sorry they feel for me
AmongStarz: im so sorry i am dumping on you
Sugar Baby 8i8: feel sorry for you? why because you have found something that you are passionate about and you make it happen
AmongStarz: i just wanted to say hello and smile because you are here.
Sugar Baby 8i8: first of all anyone who shits on you for your plans for your life isn't worth you making time for them
AmongStarz: they feel sorry for me because i am too nice... i care too much... i have to work so much... etc
AmongStarz: they dont shit on me
AmongStarz: they just poke fun
AmongStarz: tell me im not gonna make any money
AmongStarz: or get anywhere
Sugar Baby 8i8: they're wrong
AmongStarz: how im slacking and need to get a job asap
Sugar Baby 8i8: you have a job
AmongStarz: how im not on top of things
AmongStarz: no like a real job
AmongStarz: get an internship
AmongStarz: hurry hurry hurry
AmongStarz: stop wearing jeans and t-shirts
AmongStarz: lose weight
AmongStarz: youll never get a guy if you don't smile
AmongStarz: stop doing guard
Sugar Baby 8i8: i wish i could kick them all in the shins
Sugar Baby 8i8: really hard...
Sugar Baby 8i8: life isn't about doing what everyone else wants when they want it
AmongStarz: no one seems to like my take on it
Sugar Baby 8i8: it's about making your own way in the world and doing it on your own terms...
Sugar Baby 8i8: and you have plans, so screw their timeline
Sugar Baby 8i8: you have a whole lifetime ahead of you... take your time
AmongStarz: i just wish i had someone who really did care about me
AmongStarz: enough not to talk shit about me
AmongStarz: or secretly hate and be jealous of me
AmongStarz: or someone who would listen and respect my take on things
Sugar Baby 8i8: you need to get rid of the people who make you feel this way
AmongStarz: i dont have time to find anyone new
AmongStarz: u are far away
AmongStarz: no one understands
Sugar Baby 8i8: so transfer here
AmongStarz: lol
Sugar Baby 8i8: live with me... it's cheap...
Sugar Baby 8i8: SU is cheaper and it's a good school
AmongStarz: i cant leave my family.
AmongStarz: i dont even think u all have a family studies program
AmongStarz: thats sad that im actually analyzing this option
Sugar Baby 8i8: it's not sad
AmongStarz: just hug me
AmongStarz: ::snuggle::
Sugar Baby 8i8: ::HUGE HUG::
AmongStarz: when can i come visit
Sugar Baby 8i8: hmm...
Sugar Baby 8i8: you're talking to the girl who is as busy as you
AmongStarz: i know
AmongStarz: i was thinkin late november or early december
Sugar Baby 8i8: pick a weekend in early december and i'll request off
AmongStarz: aight
AmongStarz: ill let u know asap
Sugar Baby 8i8: ok
AmongStarz: something to look forward to
AmongStarz: prolly wont happen, though.
AmongStarz: ugh.
AmongStarz: UGH
AmongStarz: ok i gg work
AmongStarz: mwah i love i miss you thank you for always being there bye bye
Sugar Baby 8i8: bye sweety
Sugar Baby 8i8: MWAH!!

"Do You Have Any Drugs?"

yes. i have a headache.

yes. i am at work and posting a lot of little blurbs because i secretly am avoiding as much work as possible.

well... i guess it isn't that big of a secret.

oh, hello there, entertainment!

A world of cul de sacs and shopping malls.

"Baby...

I could care less about your smile."

how's that for a hook? damn.

Spat.

how many times are you going to let yourself bleed the dreams from your eyes?

i mean... isn't that what happens when you cry?

the sniper shootings have lead to yet another day of cancelled colorguard rehearsal. i don't know how we are going to pick up the pieces... and (if) dawn and i miss thursday's practice for the concert... i just don't see us being very successful.

talk about a dilemma. maybe i'll ask bill to reimburse us for the tickets and just not go. i mean, hah, i actually thought i'd be able to go and enjoy an evening out by seeing one of my favorite songwriters. silly lizzy.

caught in yet another torrential downpour...

i don't know where my dashboard tickets are. my mother said they never came in the mail.

this could be bad.

Slightly Updated

well, in case you haven't noticed the menu bar got a little bloated.

you can now check out my host site, my forum (sign up for free!), or all my random stuff. and i posted one hell of a rant on bitter.

so yeah... enjoy!

I'm just so tired of that scene.

Fun is fun... and I had a ton of it.

but.

yes, there is always a BIG but (hardly ever a butt).

i need something more.


i just dunno what it is.



i hope i find it soon. cause i'm gettin' lonely.

John Mayer:

back to you
it always comes around
back to you

i try to forget you
i try to stay away
but it's too late

over you
i'm never over
over you

there's somethin about you
it's just the way you move...

the way you move me.

i mean, damn. you move me. come here, already.

PB stikes again!

yes. my job has once again caused massive amounts of poopie drama and badness... however... once again it has also united me with a few very special people who suffer on staff with me.

yummy. pokemon rule.

that is all.

Ben Folds: Still Fighting It

last night was one of those nights where something in every area of your life falls completely and hopelessly apart. i'm not going to sit here and try and justify what is going on... but from the start of the day with the sniper on the loose in my neighborhood to the negative happenings with two of the most important men in my life at the end of the day... i couldn't help but cry myself to sleep.

i'm not prepared for my english class today, and that says something. i'm always prepared for english. the worst part is that i really don't give a shit.

i'm crowding my life with a bunch of stuff i am supposed to do... and completely dropping the things that really matter to me. not to get all mushy but, sometimes i really hate this society and all the pressures that i have put on me by other people. i guess i need to grow up and try not to worry about how i effect others... or if i meet all their expectations.

it's starting to hurt because the greatest happiness i get is from other people... but if i don't keep the driving force inside me moving... i won't be able to get anything from anyone. except sadness.

everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
and everybody does
it's so weird to be back here
let me tell you what

the years go on and we're still fighting
and we're still fighting it

and you're
so much
like me...

i'm sorry.

The Condom Game

Priceless, MariB. My entire house thanks you.

Mental Note:

putting a package of hot cocoa in a cup of coffee and then consuming the beverage is not a good idea.

::hiccup::

my english teacher kept pronouncing Columbine like "Culuuuuumbine" today.

"what were some causes of culuuuuumbine?"

"spanish settlers"
"suburbian hicks in maryland"
"isn't that a flower?"

...

Weather Forcast: Built.

so i keep seeing the UMD football team's kicker. I don't remember his name... but you know, the skinny white guy who wants to be a weather man and can bench like 400lbs or something equally rediculous...

yeah.

he's beautiful.
______________________________________________________

what if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?

scary thought, no?
______________________________________________________

right. so... we are having party drama at the house. i am not pleased. but i am currently at work and cannot be seen typing away at this thing that long, so i shall have to share the details at a later time. for now... i leave you with my results from an insult test i stole from christina d.

you damn 311 fan, you.

Take the test, by Emily.

i have magic powers.

don't waste paper.
it's bad for your heart.
and watch your high cholesterol level
it's bad for the environment.

Server Crash

yep. my host died. temporarily up on blogspot again. so that means yer mom ain't working either. not to mention all my cute little linky things... so... yeah. i'll let you all know as soon as everything gets back in order.

sorry!

Liz: "So, what are you up to?"

Tsega: "Oh, I'm going back to my dorm. Take a shower. Wash my ass."

Liz: ... Enjoy!

woot!

oh, oh, OH! who's goin to see Cirque???

maribeth = love.

I really want Dan to show me how to fix the garbage disposal.

The smell in the kitchen by the sink is getting pretty disgusting. ugh.

In case you haven't read my latest rant on bitter yet, there is a link. that basically sums up my mood for the evening. Rommel and Rick came over to try and drag me to $Buds, but it didn't work. Now I'm just kinda sitting here thinking about all the homework i should be doing. It's all Adolescent Studies' fault. We watched a 2 hour documentary on the school shooting in Oregon. Yeah, I cried. So did half the class. Just so sad... it makes me very frustrated with people. And with my feminine friends Paula, Mary and Sally... I accordingly got into it with a few of those choice people.

I didn't want the kid to go to jail. I mean... what does that do? Like he hasn't suffered enough already. Shoulda just let him kill himself. I just cannot get over it. If you don't know what I'm talking about... look it up- it'll be worth the effort. I just want to hold him.

In fact, that's it. I am in dire need of compassion. I need to be held. Or to hold someone and really feel it.

I'm not in Love with him... I am in Love with his charm.

The kid in front of me had something fuzzy in his hair... and I basically sat there staring at it for the first hour of class, imagining myself reaching over and flicking it.


productive, much?

What Planet Are You From?


this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim

Rebel Princess

First Try:

You are a quick-witted tough dame with a tongue of steel. This jaded, cynical outlook is your suit of armor worn to protect you from further hurt and mistreatment. You may have been burned in the past by a love. Though your history weighs on your mind, you still have a little bit of faith in love. Don't deny it, girlfriend! Let go of the past and move on, embracing life's possibilities. But being more optimistic doesn't mean you have to lose your wit or independence!

Second Try:

You have the heart of a rebellious teenage girl. In your struggle to assert your independence, don't forget all your family does for you. You might have materialistic tendencies. It wouldn't hurt to take stock of your possessions and give all the things you no longer use to Goodwill. Everyone finds your youthful, innocent good looks attractive, but remember that you have a mind (or at least a voice), too. You are totally in love with the sea and would do well with a man who also loves the outdoors.

Ain't that some shit?!?!?! I always wanted to be Ariel... but her description is kinda sucky. I'm glad I didn't get her first.

Visual Orgasm

just go here. for those of you who are completely without culture... cirque is like a circus on acid. nothing but love.

::cue jaw droppage::

14.4

yep. that's what our colorguard got at the competition. almost 2 points higher than last season's starting score.

::does cool colorguard instructor dance::

how ya like me now, biatch? hmmmmmn? I am so tired. But in the words of Dawnie Bears... I wouldn't have wanted to spend the day any other way. I hope you all have activities that make you feel as fulfilled I feel right now. My shoes and pants are soaked... my face is sunburnt, my hair is three shades of nastiness... but I feel like a million bucks. heh... too bad EVERYONE ELSE got paid before Dawn and I. Who's bitter? what?

in other news, t and I hung out friday afternoon and I have learned that:

1. It is NOT a shorter walk from Noodles to Lot 1.

2. Side-view IDs are just not cool enough for Liquor Warehouses.

3. The guys that work at the Liquor Barn, however, kick total ass and offered me fried chicken.

4. t + liz = craziness.

and then that night I went to the all-nighter and discovered a few things:

1. I easily could have made it into an acapella group.

2. I want to be a boy even more now, just so I could be in the Generics.

3. Kristy Yummycoochi was one bitch of a drag queen.

4. Butch lesbians, black jumpsuits, chains, belts and fake syringes are not enjoyable for me to watch.

5. I want to be a black boy even more than more so I can be on one of their step squads.

and finally... i went to beer pong for people who suck and found out:

1. I miss playing pong. A LOT.

2. Band parties aren't very fun if you aren't in the band.

3. My ex-roommate was bi.

4. I'm pretty when I'm drunk.

ugh?

My brother has recently put this quote into his AIM profile:

"Hondas are like tampons... every pussy has one."

And quite frankly, I don't know what bothers me the most about this:

- the fact that he is using a metaphor as vulgar as this

or

- the fact that I thoroughly agree with his statement.

i miss being a teenage girl.

thanx for hittin up the page, yo. and the comments. represent!

Skool Surrealism

My classes this semester are very, very strange. I love them to death... but I highly doubt anyone in their 4th year outside of Family Studies could really ever dream of taking some of the courses I do.

Adolescent Development: Yay! I finally got into the ONE class at UMD that has anything to do with what I want to focus on when I get to grad school!! ::drool:: It only meets once a week, but that 2 1/2 hours of teen angsty goodness is quite sufficient, thank you.

Delivery of Human Services to Families: Ok, ok, the teacher is a bit dry and sleep-inducing... but the subject matter will be very cool (once she gets past all the review). This is going to be important for me because it explains how social work, counseling and outreach programs work and what type of job will suite me best when I get to work out in the field. How many of you get to study the careers and theories of the unsung heroes that help our less fortunate families? Shut the fuck up... you are all ungrateful and self-centered bastards.

Intermediate Writing: Yes... this is an elective and really does nothing for my major at all... but I feel as though it is obvious as to why I am enrolled. I feed off of it.

Couples in Relationships: I know! Isn't it crazy that I actually get credit for sitting around and talking about love and sex all day? heh. But this is already starting to get to me because a lot of the activities allow you to relate the concepts to your own relationship... and well... you all should know I don't have that privilege at present. And yeah... being reminded of that whenever I sit down to do my work... it makes me sad. But I am learning a lot.

Intergenerational Aspects of Families: This is what is going to really fuck me up. The whole course is designed to help you come to terms with your family of origin... and learn to use your experiences in a positive way and not to let your old problems and situations you had growing up cause problems in your life now.

It just blows me away how people can spend these 4 or 5 years at college memorizing formulas and vocabulary words... and really never learn how to think or interpret for themselves. If nothing else, my college education has helped me realize who I am as a person and helped me solidify the way I want to live and the things I believe in. Those of you who just go through the motions to make a crap load of money and prove your superior intelligence by quoting books really make me sad. That's not what life is about. That's just the surface level bull doo doo that this society has created to mask the real issues and importance of existence. Stop complaining about shit that you don't use to your advantage. You CHOOSE how you use what is offered to you and you CHOOSE how you react and relate to things.

I, myself, hafta remember that a little more. The only thing I really have any control over at all is myself. My emotions, my mind-sets, my body... I will never stop helping others and trying to be there for them... but I need to pay more attention to my own growth and development. I'll get more fulfillment out of everything when I do. So if all of a sudden, I am a little less sympathetic... or slightly preoccupied to the point where I can't sit and bitch and whine and spew of all things negative... don't get upset with me. I'm tryin to stay on the flipside. the woo woo, happiness side.

Join me?

Don't Hate.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerers' Stone is one mother of a good movie. However... I have watched it almost continuously since I purchased it back in July and well...

my VCR just ate it.

::cries::

Twilight Zone.

crazy weekend. crazy.

Friday night started out with PB's second home game (and our second performance) of the season. Now, don't get me wrong, they improved a LOT. But it would just be so nice if we could go out there and kick a little ass for once. After last week's fiasco, however, I could not be happier at the progress the band and guard have made.
After the game was over, my favorite staff members and co. went over to Bennigan's for some of the ol' Irish brew. Only not. Instead, three of us got one of their Paddy O' Punches. That's 2 pints of green, pineapple goodness. EACH. Yeah. It was yum. Then we did some amazing automobile parking acrobatics and I eventually headed solo over to my bud, Casey's party. She was having the party at my other friend Brett's place. I didn't even know that the two of them knew each other. Yes. Small, incestual world. My roommate, Joe, also made an appearance. twilight zonish? oh, just wait.

Saturday began with the worst 4 hours I have ever spent at PB. I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off since school started, and my body was getting royally pissed-the fuck-off at me. After practice Dawnie Bears and I went grocery shopping and the self-check-out thing did not like me at all. bastard. Anywho... after all that nonsense... I showered and tried to get things going for disappointed idealist ::plug plug:: and got really sick. the kind of i-want-to-cut-off-my-nose-so-the-boggers-go-away-and-numb-my-entire-body-so-the-aching-stops-and-die-so-the-dizziness-will-end sick.
So I spent the rest of the evening in this state, watching the terpies get ass-raped by FSU. After the game was over, I figured I should at least make an appearance at Andy's burfday party. So Kinya and I went over there and played Taboo with Woody, Stephanie and Michelle N. It was OA goodness. I miss them. It was a shame that Marib was MIA. Anywho. We were gonna jet and head over to Dre's place for some party-party and then to some frat that Kinya wanted to hit up. Too bad I barely made it to the car and started gagging. Then I fell asleep in the car while Kinya fended off the freshies at Wawa.
So she took me home.

I get home and the roomies are all chillin together and watchin' Office Space with some of their friends. Joe invited me to chill and of course, it looks like i don't want to because i'm sick and dying and wanting my pillow. So after the movie ends, I head out there to make some tea. And to my surprise, a few of the guests wanted some as well. It was weird. I was expecting them to make fun of me for drinking tea.

And then...

we all stayed up talking until 9am.

it was so wonderful. i don't even know how to sum it all up. no uncomfortable silences, no nastiness... just delicious, honest convo. I opened up a lot to Joe and I think I made 3 other new friends. It was cool.

A Breakfast Club tea-party, if you will. I will never think of that movie or Good Will Hunting in the same light ever again. Thanx to Sammy, Allison, Ryan and Joe. mwah!

Technical Bull Doo Doo

Ok, so I'm struggling. I'm sorry if the archive stuff is fucked up... just gimme some time. For now, our football team just bit the big one and I had a gawd awful day at work. The site must wait. Beer takes top priority.

good night.

really. just stop all of the thoughtful and creative feedback. i'm going to OD on shout outs. i'm serious. just stop. get out of here.

fuckers...

readin' my shit and then not even acknowledging the fact that you were here?! moochers!! and some of you don't even IM me anymore... let alone talk to me in person.

why can't you just share some of the love? i'm givin you my everything, here!

::tear::