Splender... God can Explain...Tryin to convince myself...


there's a lot of things i understand
and there's a lot of things... that i don't want to know
but you're the only face i recognize
it's so damn sweet of you... to look me in the eyes

it's alright
i'm ok
i think god can explain

i believe
i'm the same
i get carried away

it's alright
i'm ok
i think god can explain

i'm relieved
i'm relaxed
i'll get over it again...

the scent of vaseline in the summertime
the feel of an ice cube... melting over time
the world seems bigger than both of us
yet it seems so small... when i begin to cry

it's alright
it's ok
i think god can explain

i believe
i'm the same
i get carried away

it's alright
it's ok
i think god can explain

i'm relieved
i'm relaxed
i'll get over it again...

i'm so much better than you guessed
i'm so much bigger than you guessed
i'm so much brighter than you guessed

it's alright
i'm ok
i think god can explain

i believe
i'm the same
i get carried away

it's alright
i'm ok
i think god can explain

i'm relieved
i'm relaxed
i'll get off of your back

i think god can explain
i think god can explain
i think god can explain

This weather is amazing. And so is my schedule. One of my professors is Bill Cosby... another is Frank from Trading Spaces. I couldn't ask for any better than this.

Doode. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! Not only did I have 4 classes today... but i got 3 and a half hours of work too!! $BLING$. My classes are bomb, and work is coo. I like having a full day.

Wish me luck for tomorrow, though. Dentist. sigh- I hate that place... it takes more money from me than skool does. The bright side is that I DON'T HAVE ANY CLASSES! So I just get to work PR and then PB. Abbreviations rule.

HW time!!

SKooL starts tomorrow! WoO! Finally.

And man, I am so pumped. I am working at PB, for the Orientation office, for the ENGR office, Stabux part-time AND I get to help Rommel edit the student and family handbooks. All this on top of classes.... I am so excited to actually have stuff to do... and bling bling to make. A reason to get up in the morning! I love busy-body mode.

I am reminded yet again that there are amazing guys out there... and some of them even care about me!! Craziness, i know!!

Went bowling for the first time in 6 months and totally got skooled by the man who purchased my bowling shoes for me way back in the day. Missed my baseball boi. It was very good to see him and to hear that things are going well for him. He has found a woman that he has been with for almost a year and a half- and damn, is she lucky. Yet another bittersweet reminder that I haven't got much going on in the romance section of my life... besides a few dates, long distance issues and shaky physical attractions.

Then had a marvelous convo with my shy football boi while i set up my guestbook. SIGN IT. But seriously. These two men have treated their women with such love and respect... AND still have the same caring for me as a friend. Quality. Love.

Screw romance... I've got some excellente amigos.

I need to move out.

Do I have the blues?

What exactly are the blues?

I’m trying to remain cheerful and on top of my game. I am succeeding. But I leave this wistful loneliness for myself while I am alone in my room.

I’m aching so badly for something more than an empty attraction.
I just keep my hopes up for the start of the semester. When I’ll be back at school and meeting lots of people. My classes are going to be amazing and I am going to learn a lot. So no matter what, something good will come out of this.
All I really want from this semester, though, is for the sparks to fly- the connection to be made. The fleeting and temporary, dizzy spin of a crush.

I want someone to come along of the opposite sex that truly gets me thinking. That truly gets my heart pumping. It’s been a long time. Too long.

I don’t even like listening to love songs anymore. Because I don’t even have anyone to fantasize about during them, let alone someone to associate them with. I hear songs of my past lovers… and I forget why they meant something to me. That makes me cry. My heart gets so heavy, like it has drained all of my strength just to keep it thumping.

For once, I truly am not down on myself about this though. I don’t think it is because I am not worthy. I don’t think that I am so fat and ugly and undesirable that I can’t get anyone…

There just isn’t anyone within the state of Maryland right now (that I am aware of) that I want to get.

And if there is someone… they haven’t shown me that they are worth getting. I guess because I have gotten older… mentally more than physically… I have a firm grasp on what I am looking for. And my standards are high. Not unrealistic- but fuckin’ high. And I’m not lowering them. If I lower them, then the person I am lowering them for certainly isn’t spark-flying material. So why bother?

Exactly. That’s why I am not going to.

But this waiting around crap is really hard. I mean, I’m not waiting, exactly- like I said, I am on top of my game… I’m having a lot of fun and doing what I need to do. But that thought in the back of my head is always there. “Will I meet anyone today? Will someone blow my mind today? Ever?”

I don’t think about it when I’m out and about… but old habits are hard to break. Romanticizing things are one of my favorite things in the world. But I can’t exactly romanticize winter guard practice or helping 17 year olds pick out CORE classes.

Do you know the way to San Jose?

La la la la LA LA LA LA LA!

(Woa. I'm starting to lose it. Something interesting needs to happen to me quick before I start quoting J Low)

I am so bored.

I am so bored.

B - O - R - D

Wait...

B - O - R - E - D...

Daria is so my hero. She even has my old, lonely, spandex spinster fear who smells like moth balls and cats. Sigh.

Went clubbin' last night with my favorite OA's and company and I have come to the conclusion...

if I could afford being a club kid... I so would.

I love the scene.
I love the music.
I love singing along and getting hyped up when you know the words.
I love the old people who stand awkwardly at the bars or get their grooves on.
I love the shady guys who sneak up from behind so you can't see them.
I love those chill moments during the music when everyone goes into hippie dancing mode.
I love stealing water from the bathroom sinks so I don't hafta pay for it.
I love helping stupid little drunk girls that fall down and pass out on the floor.
I love the stories you can tell about your night afterwards...

And who knows... if I go on a semi regular basis... I might burn off some calories and... in turn... become one of those hot chickies that always get hit on... (fingers crossed).

In honor of the new season of The Real World, Chicago...I was doing the semi-annual fantasy thing about being on The Real World. I would never, ever make it. It is just like my evaluation of those Blind Date/Dismissed/The Fifth Wheel/Elimidate shows... the decisions are majorly based on first impressions. Give me a whole week for them to decide... and I would win- hands down- no question. But I am just not up to par on the "lets get hoed out and talk about sex so we can get on the show or get the guy" mentality. Don't get me wrong here... I love to get hoed out. And I am obsessed with thinking and talking about sex. But not right off the bat, and not for sheer phermonal seduction.
So I would just never, ever get it.

I dunno... it depresses me that I wouldn't ever get on the show... I would make a damn good character. And it would be the growing experience of a life time. Not to mention the fact that they will keep a running diary of my escapades for me!! I just don't have the body, the face or the dysfunction to earn me a spot. All of the white girls have to be cute, small and with a southern accent. And well... that just isn't me.

It isn't a lot of other Real World Addicts out there, either. There are plenty of not-as-attractive-in-the-conventional-sort-of-way-but-still-amazingly-interesting-people out there who deserve to be represented. I would love to be that representative, if anyone would deem me worthy. It would be nice to see (let alone be a part of) a Real World season that brought up more issues than breaking away from home, homosexuality, racial prejudices, inter-roommate hook-ups, lazy people at work, and loud cat fights. Granted... those issues are entertaining... but so are others not to main stream.

I guess my hopes are just too high (as well as the number on my jean tags). But damnit, if I ever got the opportunity... I'd kill for it. As bitter as I am... I would still come away from that audition crying like no other... wishing that it could have been me.

It feels good to be busy again.

But I dunno if I can handle all of these weird vibes in my work places... I'll survive, I'm sure. Still.

I am Proud to be Drama Free...
But man, we came close a couple times within these last few days... and being around all of the OA's again who have significant others is reminding me that I've been single for quite some time now. Gettin' a little lonely. Missin' a certain someone in a certain cool college town. Yeah. Forgotten how nice it was to get away from everything and just be with someone. Want to go back to last week. Sigh.

Whatever. Go out and read Stephanie Plum novels. Soo good. Just remember, when all else fails... get lost in a good book.

*Side Note: THEY CLOSED SUBWAY AND JAVAHEAD. This should be against the law. Not that I am upset that we had to settle for Chipotle tonight... but, I mean, we had planned on subway. It is the principle of the thing.
And javahead- how am I going to work or sing there if they aren't open!?!?!?!?!

This is just not a good sign.

I didn't even realize it until a few days ago.

You know how people who have been burned by someone (romantic interest or not) that they held close and important to them... how they have trouble trusting people afterwards... how they don't open up as easily...

I am totally doing that.

I mean, I have been really happy these last couple of weeks, with the family and the holiday season and all... but I realize that during this time period... I have shut almost everyone out of my life. I have cut the fat, so to speak...
A lot of people front like they want to be my friend... but they don't really care what's going on with me... and if I let them know too much... or trust them too much... I'm just going to get shat on again.

This is my mentality... Ugh.

I do NOT like this. I miss people.
But like last night, when I went to go get in touch and see some people who are very important to me... I just sat there like a moron. I didn't share anything about what was going on with me, really... and I felt nervous and awkward the whole time. I was not myself. And I don't know why. These people were my really close friends this summer and fall.

But I acted like I hardly knew them.


I just don't know how to feel comfortable letting people in again. Ugh.

Have decided that inspiration should NOT come from selfish, dysfunctional males that barely touch the surface of my world.
I have enjoyed my happiness too much these past few weeks to let it get screwed up by someone who I obviously don't mean that much to. And in my attempts to act like somewhat of an adult, I am not going to spend any more time thinking about what he should have done, but let it roll off of me like water off a duck's back.
No more pain. No more drama in my life.
You said it, Mary J.

Broken heart again
Another lesson learned
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain
No more pain
No drama
No more drama in my life
No one's gonna make me hurt again

Why'd I play the fool
Go through ups and downs
Knowing all the time
You wouldn't be around
Or maybe I like the stress
Cause I was young and restless
But that was long ago
I don't wanna cry no more

No more pain
No more games messin with my mind
No drama
No more drama in my life
Nooone's gonna make me hurt again
No more tears, I'm tired of cryin every night
No more fears, I really don't wanna fight
No drama
No more drama in my life
I don't ever wanna hurt again

Wanna speak my mind, wanna speak my mind

Uh, it feel so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the games
Free from all the stress
To find your happiness

I don't know
Only God knows where the story ends
For me
But I know where the story begins
It's up to us to choose
Whether we win or loose

And I choose to win...

Current Mood: Lonely and Crying.

You just shouldn't have even bothered. I was doing so well and then you screwed me all up again. I don't want this. Goodbye.

I can't help it. I just adore romantic comedies. Do you think, some day, that my adventures will deem me worthy of being a quirky female lead in a story about clumsy love?

God, I hope so. I deserve it.

So, I'm trying to get ahold of my favorite emotional fuckwhit (pardon the cussing, but it is an important part of the word), and all I get is... RING... RING...RING...RING...RING...RING.

Ugh. He called me this morning at 9 in the morning. Who does that?!?! And on my house number. Lucky for him my mother left me a note saying that he'd called. In attempts to keep my new year's resolutions... I call him back around 1pm. It is now 2pm. I have been calling this poopface for an hour, only to hear the same thing over and over.

I know it means that someone is on the internet. Because, otherwise, the answering machine would come on. I really don't like this because I can't even leave a message and am going insane with guilt and anticiaption that I will not get ahold of him before he goes back.

Why. WHY WHY WHY?!?!

Happy New Year!

And for once... it actually is. This is the first new year's that I have had in over 5 years that I actually enjoyed my evening and was not disappointed or bitter about it in any way, shape or form. Weird.

Now, go kiss someone you love!