I don't want to be this anymore.

There is nothing poetic about this unhappiness. It is stale, old and familiar.

He told me once, he said through wide eyes that didn't want to believe what they were saying... he said that I liked being unhappy.

I wonder if he is right.
I wonder if I build these situational cells so that I can sit trapped inside of them. So I can bitch, complain, and yet stay safe and dry...
Hidden from that storm waiting outside.

It's time for me to get wet. It's time for me to get the hell out of dodge. It's time for some new problems, with new people, in new relationships.

I just wonder how much more I have to bleed before I will pull out this knife I have stabbed myself in the side with...

Halloween 2008

Officially... this has gotta be the best costume of my life:


I even won "Scariest Costume" at the bar we went to.


Really and truly, I am thankful to have replaced last year's Halloween memories with this year's. I worked hard for this past weekend... and I enjoyed the shit out of it.

Why So Serious, Liz?

So I am kind of obsessed with the Joker from Dark Knight (like half the population), and decided that I would dress up like him as the nurse in the hospital scene for Halloween (again, like half the population).

But I was nervous about being able to do the face paint properly (seriously, google image it... there are a lot of shitty examples out there), so a friend of mine and I broke out the make up and some beer and went to work last night for practice.


What we learned is that I need to not go so far down below the eyes with the black, make sure my scars are glued on really well, and go a little easier on the red. With my hair frizzed out a little more, it's the perfect length (and the color sort of matches the red wig he wore), AND I found a dress that looks like a nurse's uniform with red accents. I even printed up a Harvey Dent sticker...

Yeah. I'm fucking excited.

Applying to MSPP

The Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology offers a Master of Arts program in Counseling Psychology.

Obviously, I am applying.

While the GRE’s are optional (hence why this is the first school I am actually making an effort for), I do have quite the list of things I need to include in my application:

• $50.00 Application Fee (non-refundable)

Oh, the joy.

• Completed application form

Which, of course, I have to fill out online. We will wait on that one.

• Three (3) letters of recommendation

I just hope it won’t count against me that two of them will be from music teachers at the same school.

• Curriculum Vitae

This is fancy talk for “kick-ass resume.”

• Autobiographical Statement

A 3 – 5 page AUTOBIOGRAPHY?!?! Please. Kill me.

• Statement of Purpose & Goals

Another 3 – 5 pages of self-righteous drivel. While I enjoy writing these sorts of things… I DISDAIN being judged by them.

• Official transcript(s)

Easy. Got one already… somewhere in here… I think…

• Change of Career Statement

Unfortunately, I think this might just be applicable to me. We shall see if “Performance Design” can really count as a “career.”

This is going to be a LOT of work. Pray for me.

See more progress on: go to grad school in boston

State Champions, What?

Last Saturday, we fucking did it.

Our third competition of the year, and we take State Championships in our division with a band score of 87.5 and a guard score of 17.2!! This is our second “Best Colorguard” of the season, and I honestly have to say that I am surprised at it.

As you can see from the video, the girls did not have a clean run. We got the score we did (I’m guessing), based heavily on my design and writing, rather than their execution of it. The judge did see us 2 weeks ago, marking how much we have improved, but I’m just not satisfied with the performance yet.

Out of the 19 bands competing, we got the second highest guard score. Period. Had my kids been tighter… we could have taken THE ENTIRE SHOW.

It’s been four days, and still… typing this is surreal.

But the bottom line is this: We need to clean. We need to work. We are 8 TENTHS of a point from achieving our goal, and more importantly, from establishing ourselves as a fucking FORCE in the circuit.

I think it’s time that I admit something to myself. I am no longer that wanna-be, self-taught little punk trying to pull this program out of her butt. I am a damn good designer… and a damn good instructor. My kids love their show, they work their asses off, and I learn something new from them every day.

If you asked me where I wanted to be 10 years ago when I started instructing… I would have said “running a program with a solid group of kids that earns the respect of their band, school and competitive circuit.” And holy crap… I actually pulled it off.

See more progress on: Lead my colorguard to a score of 18.0

processing...

i fear that if i speak it out loud,
everything will be cheapened
and end up N O T being
as good as it would have been
had they just known without my asking.

perpetual.
dissatisfaction.
... of my own design?

or is it
true to form
that the only satisfaction i find
is that time spent alone
exploring the curves
of my own intangible naked body?

that body of tingles
and big bang theory
that only reveals itself to me
when i s l o w d o w n long enough
to see everyone else spinning
their wheels
in a race that i never entered

they all sleep now
and i am almost relieved.
because in the middle of this night i don't have to pretend
that i am content
with them getting theirs
and me
just getting along...

The Friday Five: Can't Live Without

This week's questions are brought to you courtesy of an anonymous reader, the letter F, and the number 5...

1. What is the one most important thing by your side right now?

My Gock Block and Drum Stick.

2. Why is it so important?

I use my gock block to keep tempo for my kids whenever we have rehearsal in an area where other sounds may keep them from hearing my voice clearly. Don't get me wrong -- my voice carries, but this let's me do my job effectively without going hoarse.

3. Can you live without it?

Yes... but it sucks.

4. What is the one thing you can't live without?

Words.

5. Who is the one person you can't live without?

I want to say my Daddi... but I know that some day I am going to have to live without him. And well, that is the scariest thing in the world to me... so I'd rather not think about it anymore.

This sort of thing only happens on bad sitcoms.

The other day, oom oom and I were at Safeway. There was only one item on our shopping list: tampons.

Quite simply, I had left the house without backup. And after a quad venti cup of skim, no whip white mocha heaven... I needed to pee.

But before we get any deeper into this, let me say that Safeway has a horrible aisle numbering/labeling system. So after a lap around the entire building, I settled in to examine and determine my feminine reciprocal product of choice.

Some women are very particular about the brand/size/type of applicator they use... and while I would like to have certain standards for anything I voluntarily shove into my tunnel of love... my bottom line is my budget.

After much deliberation, I decided to go with 2 packages of 20 Regular, Unscented Pearls, not for the excellent marketing campaign, but for the little sign below them saying "2 for $4."

We mosey on up to check out, I hand the cashier my club card, she scans my packages with great care, and proceeds to tell me that my total is $12 and some change.

Sigh. "I thought those were on sale, 2 for $4." I offer to run back and check the sign, but apparently I am not trustworthy. The cashier begins by paging a female coworker to come up to our station for a price check. No such female coworker appears. She walks over to a neighboring female cashier to ask her for help, but she offers no real advice.

But then! Pimple-faced adolescent male stock boy comes to the rescue! He disappears down the aisle, returning to say that only the Safeway brand tampons are on sale. I apologize for wasting her time, as she seemed very flustered and worried that her other customers would be mad for having to wait these 5 extra minutes, and attempt to take the tampons back to exchange them for the cheaper option. But no, no, no... let's make this a little more awkward. Have the pimple boy accompany me back, carrying the scorned tampons for me.

After I apologized to him for the most cliche of situations, he turned a little red and scampered away. It was only then that oom oom and I began the debriefing.

The sign was not where it was when we first walked down the aisle. Clearly, it had been misplaced, and that is why the sale price did not come up. I get it. No big deal. But the Safeway brand tampons that WERE on sale... the only ones left were the scented ones. And I'm sorry, but I don't need potpourri ANYWHERE near my hoo haw. That's just doing nature a disservice.

In the end, I went with a Kotex Regular UNSCENTED 36 pack... but mine aren't purple like the website leads you to believe. This item was on sale for $6... and I am very pleased with the performance thus far.

Unfortunately, when I went back up to the check out, my beloved cashier had the longest line in the place, so I did not get to share a knowing glance or witty quip with her.

Alas... my Price Check Episode was left anticlimactic and unfulfilled (much like this blog entry?).

Steps in the Left Direction:

It is very last minute, but this Sunday, I am participating in DC's Walk For Hope, a 5k walk/run to help find a cure for breast cancer. If you are able and willing, visit My Walk for Hope Donation Page and be my sponsor!

I have also started a life goal list on 43 things. There isn't much there yet, but I will let you know when I update it.

Thirdly, I signed up for Postcrossing again. I have already sent out my first postcard:



I've also been in contact with some long-lost inspiration... and I am SO thankful that they are still around :)

Second Marching Band Competition

After our first marching performance, even with the horrible transition from part 2 and the beginning of part 3, we are only 2 points away from our goal, with a score of 16.0.

The critique delivered no surprises as to what we need to fix, it’s all just a matter of time. With only 3 real rehearsals until our next competition, we are quite literally racing the clock.

This week I hope to add the weapon choreography, change the drill and get things solidified before our home game on friday.

See more progress on: Lead my colorguard to a score of 18.0

Spare Change(s).

free time outlines minutes i should have spent typing here, jogging there, and laughing everywhere. or preparing healthy meals, saving money, taking pictures, reading books not yet read and returning emails not yet answered. minutes i could have made mine. hours that could have been spent creating, dancing, singing, sweating, bleeding -- instead of wasting. days, weeks and months i could have been making love to myself... instead of men who i wish loved me.

i could already have my grad degree. or hundreds of pages published (or at least photocopied). or dozens of songs written, sung, performed and recorded. or blue prints and business proposals for the B&W.

but i don't. i just have dreams. hopes. and maybe a twinge of regret.

idiom:

in vain
a. without effect or avail; to no purpose.
b. in an improper or irreverent manner.

each and every kiss.
sealed with secret:

i love you i love you i love you.

So Sweet, My Upbeat... Little Cliche.

Out of my Mother's House... Again!

I think this makes the 5th time that I have officially moved out of my childhood home. And while I would like to say that it is for good... you really never know with me.

But let us not dwell on past negativity in my new place! Especially since it is definitely an upgrade. A nice little townhouse, up a little further north, with a deck looking out on the woods and a creek, a hammock in the back yard below, a fully stocked bar, fireplace, my own master suite with full bath, and not to mention... a beer pong table.

In addition to the materialistic benefits, I am in a tizzy of giggles over how much personal space and time I will have again. With my physically demanding, stressful, wacked out schedule of employment, I have realized that it is imperative that I have a comfortable place to come home to.

No more worrying about getting into confrontations with my mom or my brother. No more being paranoid that I am antisocial when the fiance is over. No more having to worry about the cats killing each other (in fact, I think Bean may already know he is the king of this new castle). No more having 3/4 of my possessions in storage. No more twin bed. And no more having to let people know what my schedule is for the next hour/day/week/year.

Sigh. I feel 60 lbs lighter already.

Oh oh! And lastly, I can have people over again! So just let me know if you're ever in the neighborhood... I've got a patio seat and a beer waiting with your name on it.

Tick Tock...

you can't see them... but this clock has wings.

The Friday Five: Charity

1. Do you have a favourite cause that you support?

Yes. The "liz shouldn't be forced to box herself into a career in order to define herself as an adult" cause.

2. If so, how do you support it?

I LIVE IT.

3. Have you been an active member of an organization (attending meetings, volunteering etc)?

No. I live under a rock and have problems with authority. Not to mention the fact that I hate people and high moral living.

4. Have you ever led any group?

No. Zero leadership experience. Negative leadership skills. It's almost as non-existent as my sarcasm.

5. If so, how was your experience with it?

... and what a beautiful mess this is.

Ok, friday five people. I don't like this one. Attempting to prove how wonderful and awesome I am by having me list all my do-gooder shit like a grocery list itemizes the whole set of ideals BEHIND living your life so that you make a difference... and I am NOT ok with that.

Is this a contest? To find out who is the most selfless? To compare and contrast how eloquently we all present our charitable cases? Fuck that noise... by participating, in my humble opinion, you are all losers.

The Friday Five: USA Road Trip

1. Who would you take with you on a road trip?

My two favorite cousins, my stupid brother and this little girl (as soon as she turns 21). And since this is a hypothetical fantasy type situation, we would all each bring along the loves of our lives to hold hands and make out with along the way.

2. What states would you visit?

Each one of us would pick somewhere we wanted to go and we would plan loosely around that... but leave plenty of room for surprises and side tracks.

3. What national parks and/or monuments would you go see?

Whichever ones happened to be along the way.

4. Las Vegas: Overrated or a Must-See?

I dunno. I've never been there.

5. How long would you be gone?

As long as it took.

Of Boys and Men.

That h2o advisory should not have been lifted last week. Because something is seriously in the water.

Or maybe I'm ovulating. Who knows.

Whatever the reason... it's back.
Almost 8 months later... my sexuality is finally back.

And while part of me would just love to celebrate that fact, we all know that this means trouble.

Thick, delicious, nasty trouble.

Don't get me wrong, here. I had a couple post break-up hook-ups. But there was no magic there. Just a desperate prayer that I was still alive. That my body still worked. That men did, in fact, find me attractive.

Needless to say... they didn't work.

But now I enter a much more dangerous phase.

My heart has always been ready to go. And now my body aching to follow. But my brain is still skeptical. My brain knows better. My brain doesn't want me to make the same mistakes.

In other words, my brain is cock blockin'... and I kind of want to HURT someone.

The Friday Five: Self Analysis

1) what is one thing about you that you hate?

The fact that I can be amazingly confident one second, and then crumble like a coward the next.

2) what is one thing about you that you love?

The fact that I can crumble like a coward one second and then be amazingly confident the next.

3) if you had to change one thing about you what would it be and why?

My inability to keep emotional distance from people who need me. I don't want to lose my empathy... I just want to be able to control it better. To be able to put my own needs first sometimes. Mainly... I'd really just like to be able love people for who they actually are and not what I think they could be.

4) what is one word that you would use to define yourself?

spinning.

5) imagine what you would look like in a perfect world...what do you look like?

in a perfect world... how i look doesn't matter.

St. Mary's

Most of us never leap.
We just stand there staring.
Looking at all of the
what if's
should have's
and maybe not's.

Drowning in them.

Staying complacent.
Standing still.

Today, I watched Laura look back.

We visited a tiny, little lily pad she spent some time on a few years ago. I got to see her remember where she went and who she was... before she leapt again.

A year from now... I hope I can do something similar. I hope I can take someone that I care about home to see where I came from.

To see my first lily pad.

The one I still haven't leapt from.

I feel that sense of urgency now.

It always happens after a coffee cup conversation. Or finishing a book. Sometimes after a good movie... or new album, poignant oneword, night out, first kiss, walk through the woods, bad dream, intense rehearsal and even surprisingly, after a broken heart.

Right now, it might just be a combination of all the above.

The Friday Five: $ Money Matters $

1. Did you get an allowance as a kid, and if so, how much was it?

I did, from my father. It changed as I grew older, but I think for a while it was $5 a week. And the thing was, I didn't get it for doing my chores -- that was just expected of me. He really didn't want me equating doing things for myself as a job... and I gotta say, that lesson was definitely valuable.

2. How old were you when you had your first job, and what was it?

I started babysitting the minute my brother was born... even though no one asked me to. I should probably stop that, the pay is horrible.

3. Which do you do better: save money or spend money?

The fact that I have survived as long as I have on my income is no coincidence. I can save money like no other.

4. Are people more likely to borrow money from you, or are you more likely to borrow from them?

I'd say that I'm breaking about even. I was blessed with a few excellent friends and family members, and cursed with a few others.

5. What's the most expensive thing you've ever bought?

My new-to-me Honda Civic. ::cheese::

Deflated.

I am always afraid when I have a great day.

Because it is usually followed by a not-as-great day. But more often than not, it is followed by a bad (even if only in comparison) day.

And when you have a couple great days in a row?

Absolutely. Terrifying.

Wouldn't you know... that was the beginning of this week for me.

I'd love to try and focus on all of the good things that happened... but I'm afraid that yesterday, I may as well just taken a huge sharpie marker out and crossed them all right off the list.

Pendulums swing back, waves always crash, and my baggage is a complete set with matching toiletry bag.

Two things have just been made abundantly clear to me:

1. My financial situation is still far from stable, and I need to be more realistic about my future because of that. I have a lot of work to do.

2. I am not ready to date, let alone make out with people. I cannot keep serving up all of my Dave insecurities and paranoias to people who are NOT Dave. Frankly, it's just mean... and they don't deserve it.

And The Flood. It Finally Comes.

On Saturday, haze was very blunt with me. She told me that she doesn't like it when I say things that make her feel like she's my only friend.

I don't really know if she realized how hard that hit me. How it made me feel so bad for her, for my parents -- even for my brother... For having to deal with me and my year-long pity party.

Yeah, last year, the two most important people in my life ditched me. My best friend and the love of my life. Slowly. Dramatically. Painfully.

But I have been in mourning for far too long. I started an avalanche of self-fulfilling negative and paranoid thought that no one in my life really loved me. I pushed everyone away. I lashed out. I self-sabotaged social interaction, work environments and my self esteem (which is saying something considering how low it was at that point). I killed my blog. I stopped writing about anything of consequence. I stopped sleeping and eating regularly and I watched a LOT of television.

Basically, I wasted a lot of time. A lot of opportunities. A lot of life.

Without haze... I really don't even know. She was the only one who still saw me be me... even if it was only in 3 hour rehearsal blocks. She somehow knew that the magic had not completely died inside of me. Or maybe she just hoped. Maybe she needed to believe that I would bounce back because she was going through the same thing I was.

I watched her friends and lovers do such horrible things to her... it felt like looking in a mirror. But every time, I watched her get back up and keep fighting. Fight like I didn't have the strength to. She just let me fall down, over and over and over again during these last eight months, patiently waiting to see that magic come back.

And I hope I'm not jinxing it, but I feel like we have both finally started to have that fire and light behind our words again. That we are both finally ready to be excited about something -- about ANYTHING.

She has been the best thing in my life. She has truly seen me at my worst, and somehow, she has loved me through it -- shit, she has loved me FOR it.

Somehow, without me realizing it, she has turned out to be the real love of my life.

She has proven to me that there are people out there in search of and capable of that ideal. That pure, honest, all encompassing love that still lets you be yourself. That forgives you for everything, even though there is nothing really ever to forgive because you would never intentionally wrong each other.

Laura. Thank you so much. For being the first person in my life who is actually strong enough to love me back the way I love you. It wasn't those people who treated me badly that I really learned the lessons from. It was you... the person who treated me well.

So I guess, you are just gonna hafta deal with my acting like you're the only real friend I have.


... Because you are.

The Friday Five: Randomosity

1. if you had to participate in one olympic event what would it be and why?

Softball. Because there isn't a colorguarding event.

2. what is the one song you always sing along to?

Every song I know the words to.

3. do you wear a seatbelt in the car?

Duh.

4. car, suv or truck and why?

If this question is trying to classify me as "going green" or not, I'd just assume not answer. But certain people need to haul shit around. And certain people need to feel big and important. I am not one of those people.

5. are you a good/bad driver? explain

I am very confident behind the wheel. Too much so for some people's liking. That coupled with my lack of respect for stupid rules can make me a nerve racking driver to follow or ride with.

Fuck You, Grape-Nuts!

You taste like kitty litter.

But that will NOT keep me from getting those 7 precious grams of fiber, oh no. I will simply mix in two servings of raisins along with you, and let you sit in milk until most of that nasty, disgusting, sandy, crunching texture has turned to mush.

So THERE!

Beached.

This weekend was too short. Saturday afternoon found my family and I sunburnt and tired, so we headed out to the beach for a nice nap. Little did we know that the storm front was comin' in. The wind was so bad, sand was flying everywhere. Luckily, Mike and I assumed our secret, superhero identities and fought against nature.

Needless to say, we lost.
Later on that evening I was hankering for a run (inspired by the Pocomoke Triathlon we attended that morning), so I headed up Coastal Highway for a mile or so and thought I'd watch the storm really come in from the top of a sand dune. I really wish I had taken my camera with me -- when I looked to the left, the sky was a wall of churning clouds -- but when I looked to the right, the icy-white sky made the water shimmer like mercury.

There was a Lifeguard who was closing down the section of the beach where I entered. He was a classic, and I fell into infatuation almost instantly. He yelled at me about jogging on the beach while it was closed for the weather, proceeded to follow me up the dune... but then got creepy after some small talk. I sprinted back to the beach house, but didn't make it in time to avoid the down pour.

Yeah. I got to be that chick. Running in the rain with a white tank top on. You couldn't have chiseled the smile off of my face.

Dinner was nice. The whole point of the trip was to support my brother's girlfriend and her father participate in the aforementioned triathlon, so we all went out that night in celebration. Her family is so cute it makes me want to vomit. I would be really happy for Mike if I could stop being so jealous.

Surprisingly though, the best part of the trip (for me) was my drive home. I had to leave around 8am in order to get to my hotline shift on time, while mi ma and bro stayed the rest of the day. Being alone in the car... I sang the whole. freaking. time.

Seriously, Leno has nothing on my jawline.
And since I have a sick fixation with risking my life while behind the wheel, I took the opportunity to write some lyrics. They were totally Jason Mraz inspired. You really should buy his new cd (but ask me to burn you the bonus EP's).

Here are a few tidbits:

appreciating sex just for the physical
is an utter waste of the atypical
of an emotional explosional
intimidatingly intimate
kismet

it's a tragedy, really.
stretched over friction better spent
on a piece of paper with a pen
and i find myself here again
with these "can't see passed your nose when you're looking in the mirror" men

i'm not waiting for an institution
i just want my own, personal
love revolution

an evoluted misconstruted communicatory vocabulary factory

because no words currently exist
that do juicedice
in describing this
seemingly impossible to forget
love that hasn't happened yet
this love that only seems to live inside of me
when i forget to be
full of insecurity

And all I know now is... I have to figure out a way to fit another trip to the beach into my summer.

Boondox: May 2008

Fire photon lasers!!

The Friday Five: First to Pop

"With the following phrases, post a single image of the strongest thought/idea that pops into your head."

1.) Favorite Food:


Almost anything stir fry with a kick!

2.) Least Favorite Food:


Various nondescript textured things like certain puddings, humus and purees.

3.) Favorite Thing:


Creative Adventures.

4.) Least Favorite Thing:


My insecurities (photo from Cheryl McLaughlin).

5.) A phobia:


I wouldn't call it a phobia... I just have some underlying trust issues.

6.) An addiction:


Mine come in waves. Right now I'm high on guitarists... like that guy.

Today @ Work...

I made Sea World.


This is, by far, my favorite flag design to date.

It is for the ballad, "In His Eyes," and I cannot WAIT to see these over-sized swing flags pop.

God, I love my job.

Double Cherries

I still cannot believe that I found these little guys.

Let alone that I didn't break the stem before managing to take the picture (while driving, I might add).

And yes, they tasted as good as they look.

Cherries are seriously underrated...
one of the few foods that actually encourages spitting.

What Peter Pan Complex?

My second photo submission to Threadless was accepted!
Big ups to haze for taking the picture!!


I still have 5 or 6 other shirts that I need to work on, though. It would be cool to come up with some good staging ideas, get my brother to use his uber camera and actually make a play to get featured on the main page.

I like their little community. Full of art farts and emo kids.

Check it out for yourself!

The Friday Five: School Daze

1. What were some of the smells and tastes of your childhood?

This is an intense subject. As for smells, it was all about my mom's Red Door and my dad's Obsession. The hamster cage. Freshly cut grass in the summer. The baby-sitter's basement. Vicks Vapor Rub. Cinnamon buns on saturday morning. Not to mention, my grandmother's Bengay.

But in regards to tastes -- PB&J, mother fuckers. Potato chips on the side. With a big old glass of milk. Chicken nuggets in ketchup (almost everything in ketchup). Raw carrots. Grape flavored Bubbliscious Bubblegum.

2. What did you have as a child that you do not think children today have?

Having to walk over to someone's house to ask them to play. Memorizing phone numbers. 8 bit video games that mom would only let you play for an hour before making you go outside. Hand-written letters. Metal slides and death-trap jungle gyms.

Oo oo! And the safety of running around the neighborhood and bike trails in the woods unsupervised at night. Goodness could I go for a game of manhunt right about now.

3. What elementary grade was your favorite?

3rd. Mrs. Galfond. She was the prettiest lady in the whole world. I still remember the wave bottles I made in science, the oral book report I did on the Berenstain Bears, and the first day I wore my glasses to school she said I looked gorgeous. No one had ever called me gorgeous before.

4. What summer do you remember the best as a child?

The first year I was an official camp counselor. 9th grade. I walked to work. Fell in love with kids. Did arts and crafts like no other. Played dodge ball like a champion. Made up a lot of dance choreography. Sang a lot of cheers. Had my first boyfriend, and broke up with him in late august (after he gave this kick ass anklet).

5. What one piece of advice would you give to your younger self, and at what age?

Don't chase boys with emotional and intimacy issues. They won't be able to love you the way you deserve to be loved. And you will only get hurt in the end. I would have told myself this right before entering high school, but I doubt that I would have listened.

Two-Faced Flag.

The marching band's third movement, "Facade," is going to stage the battle/balance between the yin and yang in all of us. In following, I wanted a flag that could show the "good" on one side and the "bad" on the other.

Here is what I came up with:



I think I want to cut the middle of the base flag out to make the whole apparatus a little lighter. Because the LAST thing I need is the big finale of the show to be full of complaints from my whiny little children about their widdle fwags being too heavy to spin properly.

A Beginning?

I met the goddess of hope last night

And the truth is...

She's actually a guy.

Rambling, rumbling, strumming deity-

he had the nerve to call me

... a rarity.

Atypical Photoshoot.

It always starts out so innocently...

But then we start to get comfortable...

And then it gets weird...

Someone always gets hurt...

We lose our focus...

And before you know it...

All hell has broken loose. And we are useless.

... Those Crazy College Kids.

$1 Shooters and $3 Long Islands have made a mockery of me.

I have become a cliche:

Get drunk, dance until you stumble, hook up with some guy, get in a fight with your best friend, pass out on a dorm room couch, wake up still drunk, and walk of shame your way back into existence.

But in a way... I'm glad I still had it in me.

The Friday Five: TV Time!

1. What's your favorite TV network?

Bravo. Their reality shows are my biggest television guilty pleasure.

2. If you could create your own channel, what would it be?

I would call it "Art Fart," and it would be a collection of creative programming. Everything from music videos to poetry slams to starving artist movies to The Joy of Painting reruns.

3. What TV show did you watch as a child, that you wish they would bring back?

No. Don't bring them back. Leave my Thundercats, Jem, Alvin and The Chipmunks, Smurfs, Fraggle Rock, Sesame Street, Eureka's Castle and Double Dare alone. You already ruined the X Men and sold out the Transformers... and don't even get me STARTED on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

4. What show have you always hated, and wonder why they ever made such a dumb show?

Hate is a very strong word. I don't know... The dating reality shows gross me out (except for a Shot at Love, which I blame entirely on my old roommate).

5. What TV show's seasons would you buy on DVD?

That 70's Show, Six Feet Under, My So-Called Life, Sex and the City, Sesame Street, Tiny Toons, and most importantly, Clone High.

The Friday Five: A Lil' Bit Lifey.

1. If you knew that you had only one day left to live, what would you do for the 24 hours?

In no particular order...

* To be completely predictable, I'd go down my top ten list of men I'd like to sleep with and have (hopefully) the best sex of my life.

* I'd love to meet up with either Don or Ian, (ideally both), and record a few songs I've been working on.

* An emergency colorguard rehearsal would be held, with all of my favorite former students/coworkers in attendance.

* Depending on how quickly I could get a flight, I'd get up to Connecticut and visit all my favorite family spots.

* There would have to be a cat nap with Bean in there somewhere.

* Coffee with my father.

* Watching the sun set/rise somewhere rural.

* A giggle and tear fest with a few women who should know who they are.

* Hip hop class.

* Dinner at Mongolian BBQ in Bethesda with my family and friends.

But the last 2 hours would definitely be spent writing on this blog, reflecting on everything I have been through, and leaving my loved ones with goodbyes and a "will" of sorts.

2. Do you think that life has meaning?

Yes. And if you don't, I feel really sorry for you.

3. What was your favourite childhood toy/object, or some of your favourites?
(Remember childhood according to the United Nations is anywhere from 0-18 years, so this is a fairly broad span of time).

A flag and a rifle. My softball glove. My bazillions of journals and sketchbooks. The camera. Ballet shoes. Messenger bags. All those books. Starlite, my stuffed Rainbow Bright Horse.

4. When you clasp your hands, do you put your right thumb over your left thumb, or your left thumb over your right thumb?

Right over Left.

5. If you had to teach the most ignorant person on earth the most difficult thing you have ever learned, how would you go about doing it?

Figure out the negative pattern you have gotten yourself into, and slowly... count by count. Learn a new dance. One that takes you where you want to go, instead of chasing after things you don't need. Lots of repetition and reinforcement.

Boondox: April 2008

... yeah. I'm the chick with TWO pussies between her legs.

oneword is back!!

See!

And in following... Scattered is up and running again.

Most of you already know the drill -- if you want to play the game and write on the site with me, just shoot me an email.

I Sat Behind a Dead Man on the Metro Today

... at least, I thought he was dead for 10 or so stops.

But then he moved.

Boondox: March 2008

Bean, WTF are you looking at?

Boondox: February 2008

peek-a-boon!

Boondox: January 2008

Booner and the penguins now take residence on that side of the bed...

Push. Pull. Break. Repeat.

It's strange when you realize that despite every reason in the world to be a smarter, more guarded, a little bit jaded, bitter, self-preserving bitch... you are still the same old idealistic, naive idiot -- ready and willing to be taken for granted and hurt all over again.

I just can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to escape this internal hope. This prayer and possibility that maybe... just maybe this time... people will treat me the way I treat them. The way I deserve to be treated.

But it doesn't happen. It Never. Fucking. Happens.

And I am left with only one conclusion: I am doomed to be forever damaged, lonely, yet dementedly, self-destructively positive that the next time will be different.

The problem is that on one hand, I hate myself for being this way... but deep down I sort of believe that it's what makes me so damn awesome. A classically suited, double-edged sword. My tragic flaw. Good Lord, do I fancy myself a hero.

... (and a poet).

i flirt with failure
harboring only one true intention:
to drive the procrastination
out of my fingers.

rock bottom, he said
he was so desperate to hit it
but his aim was off
either that

... or i was in his way.

Welcome Back to the Emo-Fest.

Part of cutting yourself off socially is that you forget how mean people can be.

The lying, gossiping, two-faced nature of it all.

I think I had also forgotten that my big mouth is probably my greatest flaw and asset all at the same time. In the past month, I have been called "scary" and "too real."

Laura: i just don't get it
me: i do
Laura:how can people do things like this to each other?
me: they put their needs above everyone else's

just imagine...

if you could fight your programming to care about others and doing the right thing
and just worry about yourself and instant gratification
only have to cater to your own fears and insecurities
just operate in that little box
and shut anyone out that challenges you

god. it would be so...
it would be so...


fucking. boring.

Laura: i guess thats the problem...i CAN'T imagine that

2007 Reflections

January found me substitute teaching, working with Show Choir, Rock N Soul, Winterguard @ PB, AND Spring Guard @ QO -- and yet, I was job searching like a maniac. I stumbled upon a fabulous mentor, revamped my resume and set out to change the world (or at least mine). I began with cutting off one of my best friends.

In February I got another job: Freelancing for Montgomery Village News. It didn't make me much money, but it did make me a published reporter. I also started training with the Reading Buccaneers Drum and Bugle Corps.

Things took a turn for the worst in March, when I found myself a new dentist... and $3,000 worth of work that needed to be done. Officially, I was back in debt. This lead to me dropping the hopes of marching with the Buccs, and the downward spiral slowly began.

You would think that being offered the position of Colorguard Coordinator for the WVU Marching Band in April would have been a good thing, but it was really my dream job with nightmare conditions (read: not enough money to survive on). I still wonder what my life would be like if I had taken the job anyway. I was however, able to take on the day to day managing of my then-favorite writing exercise oneword, and I did go to NYC with the QO choral department... but I remember feeling very lost and unhappy deep down.

I started yet another job in May, working at my mother's office. It was one of the worst decisions I have ever made. I was having problems with everything from my relationships to my living situation to my jobs to my creative block, and my unhappiness started showing itself in fits of crying and fighting with Dave, my friends and my family.

In June I tried to rekindle the friendship I cut off in January, but it was hard. I got hurt with all of the sneaking around and lying. I felt powerless -- I wasn't happy with how things were, but was too desperate for the friendship to cut it off again. The whole month was like a blur... I retreated further into my relationship, and hid my unhappiness in working out at the gym and dance classes.

I saw the fireworks on the Mall for the first time on July fourth. I also got offered a job as the Office Manager of the District of Columbia Arts Center. But again, I couldn't take it -- this time because of scheduling conflicts with colorguard. Dave found a house in DC, and thus began the real decline in our relationship.

Connecticut was my escape from everything in August. But it all came crashing down -- quite literally -- when I came home and almost blacked out at the Virgin Fest. Band camp didn't wait for me to recover, or to reconnect with Dave.

September was full of colorguard, Show Choir, working at my mom's office, substitute teaching, writing for MVF and trying to hold onto Dave. I was interviewing again for a better job, but this time didn't get it (working for a journalism center on UMD's campus).

In October, my car died. I was in debt, had no car, my lease was up and I started working as an intern for Brijit, an awesome gig, but STILL not enough money to get by on. With the office being in Dupont Circle, I thought being so close to Dave would have made things easier on us, but the truth is, we just weren't getting along like we used to. Halloween may have been one of the worst holidays of my life... and I should have seen it coming.

November, it is safe to say, crushed my soul. It brought the end of my relationship with Dave, and the death of my Uncle Rich. I have never experienced so much loss in such a short period of time (including my weight).

But I truly bounced back in December (much like my flagpole bounced off my face!), as shown in the holiday posts below. I think most of that was because of the support of my family, and more importantly, one of my new best friends, Laura. I celebrated the most successful colorguard season of my career, established a new winterguard program, auditioned for a band, got to play a couple gigs, found a niche hanging out with my brother and his friends, started writing again, had the best Christmas of my adult life, partied at a friend's wedding and rang in the new year in ol' Deep Conversation Club fashion.

Looking at all of that, knowing that so many other little things were omitted... I am completely dumbfounded at how much can happen in a year. I am also very proud of myself that I have finally become strong enough to walk away from situations that are hurting me. But it's not enough.

What's on tap for 2008? You might want to sit down for this!

After the winterguard season is over, I am getting a car, packin' my bags, and heading to Connecticut. I plan on mooching off the goodwill of my cousins for a month or so, study for the GRE's, and research grad programs in Boston for marriage and family therapy.

Upon my return home, I will be preparing for my biggest marching band season ever -- not only will I be colorguarding, but I might even be writing drill for the entire band. No pressure or anything. Whilst all that is going on, I have to take the GRE's and apply to the grad schools mentioned earlier... in hopes of admittance for the fall of 2009.

Crossroads, anyone? All I can say is that it's about. damn. time.