and the bad thing, about games, i suppose... is that no one wants to believe you when you stop playing them.

so there is a new "he." there are always multiple hes... but this one is different. this he thinks he knows better than me. this he thinks i am playing a game with him that he is better at. this he thinks he knows me... and knows when i am playing vs. when i am serious... even though less than 30 minutes ago i proved just how HORRIDLY wrong he can be about me... he still maintains that he knows what i am thinking and why i am saying/doing/acting the way i am.

i don't really know what to think about this he anymore. because the minute i admit that he is a he... he doesn't want me to be a she anymore.

it seems like this quote is fitting again:

'first of all, don't presume to know what i think unless i tell you what i think.
second of all, i am not a chase. i am a fucking marathon.'

you all aren't going to believe this ...

the archives are all working correctly now! the index page, the style sheet, the images... even the shout outs!!

i know, amazing, isn't it!??!!?!

just because i know how you all want to dig up old crap about me... now you can do it the way i had intended it!

i love these private little moments. i get to pretend that i have profound thoughts ...

i'm feeling very small right now. i'm feeling very unaccomplished and lost. ok, not lost. i know where i am... and i think it stinks. the "student" label has been taken away from me (or rather, i have ditched it) and now i don't really know what to call myself.

maybe lump of useless lard would work.

hrmn. maybe i don't need to call myself anything. maybe that's the whole point of this. that i DON'T label myself. especially since i get rather perturbed when anyone else tries to.

::smirk::

good idea, no?

edit: this link now has a home under the newly updated current section.

public service announcement:

as part of the soon-to-come update, i have created my FAQz section. but it sucks right now. please... donate some questions to the cause. thank you.

boondock saints

ok, so i finally saw this puppy. and i'm pissed. WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS MOVIE EXISTED?!?!?! i blame all of you people who kept this a secret from me for so long. unforgivable.

at least now i am aware and informed and sweating for the sequel. such a good movie. thought provoking and entertaining all at the same time. it goes without saying that the hottie irishmen were also a highlight... but i thought i would mention it anyways.

yep. sorry there is still no real update. i have been working every day since graduation, and spending a lot of time acting as bodyguard for a very special little lady. priorities, man. but don't worry... i promise you it will be worth waiting for.

later, hater.

:D

::snort::

And so I drag on again,
defeated and alone again,
but rightfully convinced
that tank tops and small t-shirts
are the perfect example
of everything in this world
that's exactly and completely
what I don't want.

~ Paul Ryan

psuedo apology

sowwe, evewieone.

this updating thing isn't happening. no time. lots of stuff to write about, but no time to do it. even as we speak, i should be sleeping. yeah so. i'm alive and all. to the 10 of you who actually read the site, don't worry... i'll be back wasting my time on here in about 4 days. maybe sooner while i procrastinate studying for exams. who knows. ok. done now. really. haters. bye.

the heavy shit is hitting from all sides...

i don't know how many more revelational moments i can take this week... it's almost like i need more potty humor to dull all of this mental sharpness.

heh. i'm being hit by heavy shit. that was a freudian premonitional phrase if i ever heard one.

i had a really good dream last night. and i fucking can't remember it!!! goo!! ::storms off all huffy-like::

she left me speechless

she called me to tell me that she loved my paper. A++, she said.

it was not the traditional paper... but you did do research. it was more real, she said.

considering it was the least proofread paper i have ever written. considering it was the most thrown together at the last minute. considering i was so passionate about what i was writing. considering i put part of my soul down for that class. considering how i lost sleep because i thought she would be disappointed.

she is absolutely right. you just can't bull shit her. she can smell it. she smelled how important this was for me. and she gave me the appreciation she knew i needed for it.

best college experience i have ever had. jung is so the man. WoO!

the wave is back. who am i kidding? it never left. i think this wave thing is really not a wave. i think it's always there. we just don't always seem to manage to tap into it.

it took me thirteen years to get here. this graduation thing turned out to be a lot more climatic than i had thought. i'm spinning. i don't know how i did what i did tonight. i can't believe i finally did it. i made step one. i put all my fears aside. i risked the rejection. i risked being overlooked and ignored.

i think they actually heard me. my mom. my dad. and my brother. for the first time. they really heard me.

and with YOUR help ...

i am making a list of movies i want to see (that i have not seen yet) after i graduate. i have been told most of my adolescent life that i am way behind. a few of you have already given me some excellent recommendations, but i am now comprising the 'official' list.

this is not hard, lurkers... just leave an anonymous tip. everyone has a movie who has touched their soul. share!

(as the list gets bigger, i will categorize and then put them all on a subpage)

Igby Goes Down
Better Luck Tomorrow
25th Hour
Sliding Doors
Lilo and Stitch
Cyote Ugly
Punch Drunk Love
The Others
Norma
Van Wilder
Devil's Advocate
Boondock Saints

(MariB i have not added all of yours yet... i will tonight hopefully).

this started out as an away message. it got too long ...

today when i decided to stay glam after church for work... i felt empowered. i felt good. sexy. clean. fun.

now... a few hours later... after the brunch. after the mommie goodness. i realize i don't want to go to work. i don't want to go work hard for a bunch of people who don't care about me or how i push myself there at all.

why on earth would i want to stay glam for them? why would i want to share the secrets of my soul and my love with a buch of unappreciative, selfish and malicious people?

and it dawns on me... i have run out of reasons. i have run out of reasons to care. i shouldn't.

but i do. why? why? WHY?! WHO on EARTH would i want to try and impress there?! sigh...

why do i feel like my innate drive and desire to be productive and positive are character flaws?

i've said it once and i'll say it again. i wish i didn't know. i wish i was unaware of all this. because with ignorance comes apathy. and right now i would give anything to just not care.

... too bad there isn't enough time for me to change.

vocation:

faithful and persistent love... you weave so many wonderful people into our lives.

fathers and mothers, children and youth, friends and neighbors, teachers and preachers. yet do we stop to acknowledge them as blessings from above? do we say a word of thanks or whisper a prayer of gratitude? have we told our appreciations, written a word of encouragement or sung their praises?

(adapted from my church bulletin this morning).

please... give me my voice to sing my thanks.


please, love.

working out the kinx

making a little progress.

lizzie bearz, current and poet are half-assidly up.

i'm getting there. :)

new layout

none of the subpages are up yet. that will come tomorrow, me thinks.

what do you think?

i'm in a wam lab and i can't remember the url to edit and add posts to twilight, so this will hafta go here for now.

today's one word is lust.

lust vs. love.

easy argument. easy fight. easy to please. masterbation... just a tease.

who knows if i'll ever find it. the cards i have chosen are nothing less than a royal flush.

too bad they are spades instead of hearts.

it isn't fair of you. to just block me when my mood doesn't suit you. to expect me to not inquire and be curious about you and your tragedies... when you get to care about mine. i try to say the right things... i try not to offend you... because i know i am just one of many friends that you really don't "need" and can just write off at any time. but see... i want you in my life. even when i'm not in the mood. i want you to know the things about me that you might not really like or care to know, because without those things i wouldn't be me. but you keep so much of who you are and what you do locked up and away from me... and it's very hard for me to pretend like that doesn't bother me.

it's not that i need and want to know EVERYTHING about you... i just don't want to be afraid of you getting mad at me because i care and i want to see you vulnerable. that's what a real friendship is about. a real connection. we both know we have countless other fuckheads and even good people in our lives to be our groupies... to be our partners in hell raising and being retarded (in our respective ways)...

i share my music with you. the most secret and important thing to me in this world... and you don't seem to know what it is that you hold of mine... and it's like you don't want it. whether you like it or not... i am trusting you with this.

but i don't feel like you trust me in return. and i just don't know what to do anymore.

so i updated on bitter. but i dont want this to get lost in the archives over there... so here it be.

[5/6/2003 06:12:01 PM | starzie ]
being one of the people graduating in 16 days, 18 hours and 56 minutes (not that i am counting down or anything)...

i really don't know what to say about it. with everything that is going on... there hasn't been much time for me to think about this major life transition that i am supposedly about to embark on. frankly, i think it's bull shit.

i highly dislike those who categorize their lives by the stages and things that we have created in our society to keep ourselves busy. i don't think of this as my introduction to the real world... and i am beginning to resent those who keep telling me that i should be getting prepared for it. i have been a part of the real world for quite some time now... and i honestly think that my time after graduation will be a sort of vacation for me.

but then again, i don't think it will be a vacation. i will still have obligations. and... i will still have my innate desire to break those obligations and not get tied or held down by societal expectations.

i have been telling myself to just hang on and keep plugging away. i am counting down the minutes (half-heartedly i must admit)... to a time where i will be able to not spend over 10 hours a week in the car... to a time where i will be able to go out on weeknights and shit, weekends. i am counting down the moments until i will be able to live on my own again. to being able to spend time on my music, my writing, my physical fitness, my desire to travel...

but i just keep wondering... will of this waiting and hoping for what will be... what have i been spending my life doing thus far? was it all pretend? practice? training? what... training for what?

i find myself in a spiritual void that i have barely been filling with a few inspirational courses and souls that only sometimes break the surface of my seemingly smooth sailing.

these responsibilities i have to society. to my family. to my friends....

am i putting them before the responsibilities i have towards myself? towards my own true desires and needs? i have learned so much over the past 4 years. i will never forget... even if i'd like to... the events that have shaped my "college career." i will carry them with me always and i will not just magically snap my fingers and have it all suddenly POOF disappear into a past existence that i only am reminded of by scrap books, certain songs, and stories that get funnier each time i tell or hear them.

but what i have learned... is that my goal... my purpose... my ultimate need in this life... is balance. not balance in the sense of a diet... or a tight rope walk... but a balance of two worlds i have been trying to keep separate. a balance of my over-functioning nature... and my questioning and conflict-avoiding fears.

i am scared. but not of the unknown. not of growing "up." that excites me. what scares me is the idea that through all this....am i missing the point? am i pretending to be someone i am not? i'm scared that i am trying to take on the pain of the entire human population...

and well... to be honest... i am.

it is easier to do than taking on the pain of your own journey. it is much easier to concern yourself with the care and needs of everyone and everything else. you don't stand to lose as much.

i have lost a lot. but instead of embracing that loss and using it and learning from it to help me gain and grow in the future... i keep it tucked and skewed away in the form of guilt and shame deep in the back of my throat. i still often find myself thinking that it was all my fault. if i had just not cared as much... if i had just been able to deal with it in a more mature way...

but that's the real bullshit. i am a growing, changing, maturing... imperfect being. i don't regret anything i have or have not done. i have made my choices and will continue to do so. hopefully though... my future choices WILL be more selfish.

my father accused me of being self-centered once... and man... that has stuck with me for so long. i am sure many others would say the same thing. but if they only knew how little i actually spend thinking and working on myself... despite it being my greatest desire... they'd probably laugh. i always worried. but not about myself. i worried about how you would be affected. i worried what you would think. how you would feel. i tried to be what you needed. what you wanted. what would help you the most.

and when it didn't work. i felt cheated. i felt like a failure. and when you didn't return the favor that you never knew i did for you... i felt unappreciated and alone.

this is the way i feel about a lot of things and you's in my life. too many things. too many you's.

i realize that i can't assume people will know my good intentions. i can't assume that people have as much an inner desire to be good and true and real as i have. because even if they do... it's different. everything is different to everyone. and i need to start owning my filter of reality.

and my filter says that right now... it's time to buckle down and handle my business. i've got a lot to do... but i've got to accept and understand all that i have already done, too.

hey, bitter club... i owe you all a big smack on the ass and on the lips. you have been a place... not a physical one... not a digital one... but a figurative one... for me to vent and think and learn about who i am.

it isn't a coincidence. it isn't luck.

it just is.





... and those who believe it are the only ones who really get to experience the magical tragedies of this world.

dream o rama

last night... or this morning i should say... i had the end all be all of all dreams.

i was on a band trip. i think. with a bunch of my friends... but i never saw any of their faces except one. that dumb fucking bitch that i want to kick upside the head. i guess it was a bunch of friends and her.

so yeah. we are staying in this hotel that reminds me of the hotels my dad and i went gambling at in atlantic city. they have the boardwalk and everything. but i find myself on a NY street corner one night, and we lost our keys and wallets and can't get back to our hotel. but i'm i have a few bucks left and i am hungry so i'nm in line to buy a slice of pizza (i think) but it is at the pizza place in adam's morgan i went to during kinya's birthday celebration and then again for dan's (don't hate against my logic for spending my last few dollars on pizza- priorities, people). this reminds me of lindz and i being po' folk last night. anywho... in line... i see this boy. there is always a boy, it seems. but this wasn't just any boy. this was whitie from centreville back in the DAY (my freshman year in college). so i go up to him. i'm like, aren't you so and so from back... do you remember me... i have a bunch of drunk girls here and we have no place to sleep tonight... and he is with his whole fucking crew from back in the day too.

so we follow them around a bit (much like we did freshman year).

then it skips to a few days later. all i know is that i am leaving on thursday. it turns out that whitie and all his buds are staying at the same hotel we are staying at. but here si where it gets weird. suddenly, fucko-bitch-whore, another girl and i are walking on the boardwalk back to the hotel. i remember looking up and seeing whitie in the window. shirtless, of course, and basically begging me to come up there with him. and as we are trying to walk across the boardwalk... it turns into this icy, narrow bridge. its freezing outside. skank-ho has that retarded uber-sheik hat on... and i'm all like be careful! it's slippery! there are icy waters on either side of the bridge thing and of course it puts me in mind of titanic.

the fat fuck falls in the water and almost drags the two of us in with her. none of that i'll never let go shit for me though... i broke from her grip and watched her fall into the water.

heh.

so now i'm in the main lobby of the hotel with a few more no-faces... and whitie. but the lobby... for some odd reason... is my living room. i'm sitting in the old tan chair that we used to have in the prime tv viewing space, and he is sitting in the blue chair over by the railing. he's drinking tea. that's a shout out to Mr. Grande Awake from work... i can just sense it. he says that he'd love some company in his room on thursday night (apparently, ever since the i have nowhere to sleep take me home with you night) the two of us have been running into each other all over the place during our trip... but nothing ever happened (story of my fucking LIFE).

and well, if you were paying attention before, you would know that i was leaving on thursday morning. no dice.

i inform him of this and you can see the wheels turning in his head to see if we could rendezvous that night.

... too bad i woke up.

my baby ...

see him in all his glory.

nerdie stuff

ok, just to plug myself, there is a new link on the side. twilight has been up for a few weeks now. and i haven't gotten any real feedback. i'm using the page to put up my most recent attempts at writing. a kind of free-form artistic whatever. i like it a lot. a big (although late) thankie to eric for giving me the space and the nifty layout.

but back to that whole lack of feedback thing. either it's because you all haven't noticed the link... or you are still lurking fucks. i'm betting on the ladder, but i thought i'd try this anyways.

p.s. all if this weirdness with my page loading over the last couple of days has inspired adam and i to move a little faster on my new layout. should be up and running this weekend.

yep. further proof i shoulda been a guy:

DesolatWasteland: quick question. if you liked a guy and you were in the flirty stage with him and you told him to ask you anything he wanted to, what would be good? think of this from an 18 year old's point of view.
AmngStarz: oh boy
DesolatWasteland: My suggestion was "do you know I think you're beautiful?"
AmngStarz: you are flirting with an 18 year old?
AmngStarz: that's not bad
AmngStarz: but i wouldnt go that route
DesolatWasteland: No, my friend is
DesolatWasteland: He wants her for a girlfriend, not just a hook up
AmngStarz: id ask her what makes her tick
DesolatWasteland: and I told him the beautiful thing would probably work better in person
AmngStarz: what makes her heart beat faster
DesolatWasteland: Ah. that's awesome
AmngStarz: what makes her stomach tingle and her hands sweat
AmngStarz: damn. i am good.
DesolatWasteland: Yeah, that's pretty fucking money.
AmngStarz: but see
AmngStarz: those arent lines
AmngStarz: i would really wanna know that
AmngStarz: i would make the best boyfriend ever.

warning! this post is quite bitchie!

the cycle continues. right back where i was not too long ago. lots of school pressure, financial obligations, fear of the future, family problems, physical ailments... and now a set back in my social life.

well... if you can call what i have a social life.

it just seems like all the other struggles i'm having i can handle... i am confident that i will make it through and be a better person in the end because of them. but when it comes to my relationships with people who aren't attached to me through flesh and blood... i get completely stupid. i love people. i know i have people in my life who care for me and would do anything for me. i would do the same for them. i guess i need to take a few cues from my own advice i gave to a fellow champion earlier this week. the only reason i feel alone is because i keep people away. even though i have those people who would go to the ends of the earth with/for me... i would never let them. i can't even let someone cover a shift for me because im sick without feeling like a complete asshole.

thank you to everyone who has been so understanding. and so supportive. you all make me smile. and to all of you who didn't even notice that i have been out of sorts lately... i guess you should probably be feeling shittie right now... so i'll leave you to that.

a posting substitute

because i have been too busy hawking up phlegm and doing these research projects to post a real post... i decided to share my introduction to my most recent attempt at this skool work thing with you. this is for my violence in families course. if any of you are interested enough that you want to read the whole thing after it is completed... i advise against asking me because this is really the only part i am making any effort into being quality. so yeah... let me know if you see any typos.

The Battle of the Sexes… Literally.
A Research Project on the Effects of Gender on Domestic Violence

In a world that clearly, even if it isn’t consciously, defines life along gender lines, it is important to always consider the effects of the spoken and unspoken rules these line create. These laws govern us in ways that span from our careers to our families to our interior-designing color palettes. One cannot deny that we are living in separate spheres of female and male… and that only the daring really ever cross over to the other side.

Attempting to put a socially constructed ideal of “male” and “female” into the real, imperfect human population limits everyone. Now, this is not a bitter diatribe directed towards the gender stereotypes of today… this is just plain, factual, background content for a more curious problem. And that problem is domestic violence. We know it happens, and just like with gender, the covert laws of private vs. public domain limit us as to how much we know about it. It happens within the home. It happens within the family. Rupturing the sphere we have created for the “Kodak moments” that fill a family’s ideals, violence becomes an unspoken terror that haunts us in the back of our minds.

So what does gender have to do with domestic violence? The spheres, as separate as they may be, are all intertwined. In studying one, it is impossible to achieve clear understanding without delving into the others. Simply put, the traditional gender roles in our society can be a factor in perpetuating ideas and myths about violence. The gender roles we have created for the family environment strictly control how that environment operates. Granted, these are all generalizations and stereotypes, but they are the assumed default setting. The standards. We have the role of the father, being the provider and the master of the house. And his partner, the mother, supporting her husband, taking care of the family and household responsibilities. These roles place the male in power. With these preconceived notions and through familial examples and traditions passed down from generation to generation, it is no wonder that beating, raping or mentally abusing the wife is common practice.

The eight following articles have been chosen to bring different aspects of gender, family and violence together, in hopes of showing the negative effects gender stereotyping can have on the family… resulting in the perpetual domestic violence present in our society.