just wanted to let you all i have updated all of my sister pages... if you care to click any of the starz over in the left column.
and because the comments system is down... i'd love some emails. :)
Saturday, June 28, 2003
MIA. like woa.
miss me?
i thought so.
i spent the last couple days over in Ocean City, celebratin' my dawg's burfday. joe-nell turned 21 on wednesday and man was it a good time. we slacked off hard core and partied hard even harder. not as hard as adam, though. ahem.
i couldn't have asked for a better 2 day vacation. i truly came back a different person. you know how people have a sort of vacation persona... some who are over-achieving go!go!go! and then those who melt into a pile of lifeless motivationaless goo... yeah i managed to have goo like tendencies by day and hyperdrive go go boots on at night.
i've got a lot of stories to write that come from this trip... when i get them going i'll be sure to share. thank you jonelle, for sharing your big day wif me.
i thought so.
i spent the last couple days over in Ocean City, celebratin' my dawg's burfday. joe-nell turned 21 on wednesday and man was it a good time. we slacked off hard core and partied hard even harder. not as hard as adam, though. ahem.
i couldn't have asked for a better 2 day vacation. i truly came back a different person. you know how people have a sort of vacation persona... some who are over-achieving go!go!go! and then those who melt into a pile of lifeless motivationaless goo... yeah i managed to have goo like tendencies by day and hyperdrive go go boots on at night.
i've got a lot of stories to write that come from this trip... when i get them going i'll be sure to share. thank you jonelle, for sharing your big day wif me.
Monday, June 23, 2003
oh my. waking up and reading what i wrote earlier this morning... sheesh. i'm a little embarassed, but not really. i'm just sorry to any of you who actually read all of that. i guess i just needed to get it all out. i know most of you won't understand most of it... and i know that some of you might be hurt/caught off guard/troubled or whatever by seeing so many he's... but really it's ok. that's what you get for living in one town your whole life and being an internet nerd. everyone is connected.
yep. ok. i'm done now.
yep. ok. i'm done now.
it's just ... sad.
i feel as though i need to explain my most recent hyperly upset towards love and members of the opposite sex wave.
last week. i called him to see if he wanted to hang out. his mother told me he went back to school over a week ago. he didn't tell me. i still haven't heard from him. one night i played music with him. it made me miss my other guitar him. he and i tried to go to dollar buds. he ran out of gas. i spent the night on 495 and then at home, alone. i met the new sponsor. he is really good. i really didn't want him to be gay. i worked with her all week. my dad and i saw him at the coffee shop. he talked to my dad more than me.
friday. i got my period. in the middle of my shift at work. he brought her food to eat on her break. and called her baby. i looked at my calendar and realized it was the weekend that we had scheduled him to come visit me. i had to do tips. i fell asleep for three hours instead of writing up my letters for my father to take and ended up being late for dinner. i forgot to call kinya and then left my cell phone at home making it impossible for me to get ahold of her. she came even later than me and was upset. i went over to his house and watched a movie. we did not cuddle.
saturday. i got a message on my phone from the big HE. it said "blah blah blah blah... blah blah... blah." no joke. that is what he said. i spent the whole day cleaning my room. i found my old scrap book and collection of notes from high school. spent an hour going through them and thinking about he and he. went shopping with mom. fitting rooms always make me cry. spent hour on phone with close friend. he is cheating on her. she thinks he wants to end the relationship but is trying to be smooth about it. she cries. i cry. she goes on to talk of how when she goes out only her friends get hit on because they are more attractive. how when this is over she will have nothing. how relationships are not worth it if they are just going to end. i cry more. he IMs me. and he IMs me. and so does he. yes. three different he's. i am sure you are confused now. he just broke up with his girlfriend. didn't talk to me for almost an entire month while he was with her but now he does. then he (the italics signifying a different he) explains that just as easily as he has stopped reading my page he can write me off of his need to talk to list. he still talks to her about me. he still makes her feel bad. he won't leave me alone. and i still don't really know if i want him to. then the last he. he is hard to explain. he and i haven't been talking lately. our internet schedules have become incompatible. but we both are on for once... but all i can think about is said friend and her poopiness. and how the things she said to me made me feel worthless and even more insecure and aware of my loneliness.
sunday. at work he made fun of my hair. then he told me to shut the fuck up before he beats my ass. then he threatened to pour frappachino mix on me. "i'm serious, liz." i asked him to leave. short for 5 hours. screwed over self and other 2 baristas. he hates me for it. he thinks she is better at getting things done. he teases me about my mouth infection and my male friends. he makes me even more aware that everyone has a significant other except me. i am sad that i am actually attracted to him. that makes me hate him. hard to explain, i guess. she was unhappy. she did not enjoy her shift with me. all i want if for them to enjoy working with me. then he and she came in to help us close and remind me yet again how in love they are. a few older male customers hit on me. it made me sad because it seems like only those over the age of 30 seem to be interested in the way i look. i ran out of tampons mid shift. i did not take any breaks for the 8 and a half hours i was there. grande awake did not come in. i came home and the first and third he EVER of my life were outside in front of my neighborhood. i had called the first he about a week or so ago and he has not called me back. he just stared at me. i went inside. mommie yelled at me. i went back outside to deposit necessities in car. they whistled and cat called at me. i stopped and stared in the middle of the court. they didn't say anything. i went back inside and came out with forgotten items and a new hope to maybe ask him why he hadn't called me back. they were gone. i walked to my car and saw a car pull out behind me. i heard yelling as i shut my door and covered my ears. i went over to his house again. watched another movie. played guitar. still did not cuddle. he patted me on the back when we hugged. it's not that i want him... he is just a friend. and a damn good one. i don't want him to be more than that. i just want more than that.
monday: came home at like 2:30 am and he was online. he and i got into a spat. i am feeling lonely and insecure. he thought that was maybe a hint that he would no longer have a date to that wedding. then i IMed another him. a him i tried desperately hard to let go of after he dropped me. a him that writes the most wonderful things... things that i would want written about me. and well... he writes them for her. and it hurts... not that he doesn't write them for me... but that i don't have someone to write them for me. or that i don't have someone to write them for.
and so now here i am crying and thinking about how many he's i have let in that just go and mess me all up. when will one that i let in actually let me back into him? when will i let one in that sees me truly and wants me to see him? i don't care if you all think that this is stupid and redundant of me. i don't care if it shows how weak and pitiful i am because i want to be with someone. i am so lonely and lost and just... just sad.
last week. i called him to see if he wanted to hang out. his mother told me he went back to school over a week ago. he didn't tell me. i still haven't heard from him. one night i played music with him. it made me miss my other guitar him. he and i tried to go to dollar buds. he ran out of gas. i spent the night on 495 and then at home, alone. i met the new sponsor. he is really good. i really didn't want him to be gay. i worked with her all week. my dad and i saw him at the coffee shop. he talked to my dad more than me.
friday. i got my period. in the middle of my shift at work. he brought her food to eat on her break. and called her baby. i looked at my calendar and realized it was the weekend that we had scheduled him to come visit me. i had to do tips. i fell asleep for three hours instead of writing up my letters for my father to take and ended up being late for dinner. i forgot to call kinya and then left my cell phone at home making it impossible for me to get ahold of her. she came even later than me and was upset. i went over to his house and watched a movie. we did not cuddle.
saturday. i got a message on my phone from the big HE. it said "blah blah blah blah... blah blah... blah." no joke. that is what he said. i spent the whole day cleaning my room. i found my old scrap book and collection of notes from high school. spent an hour going through them and thinking about he and he. went shopping with mom. fitting rooms always make me cry. spent hour on phone with close friend. he is cheating on her. she thinks he wants to end the relationship but is trying to be smooth about it. she cries. i cry. she goes on to talk of how when she goes out only her friends get hit on because they are more attractive. how when this is over she will have nothing. how relationships are not worth it if they are just going to end. i cry more. he IMs me. and he IMs me. and so does he. yes. three different he's. i am sure you are confused now. he just broke up with his girlfriend. didn't talk to me for almost an entire month while he was with her but now he does. then he (the italics signifying a different he) explains that just as easily as he has stopped reading my page he can write me off of his need to talk to list. he still talks to her about me. he still makes her feel bad. he won't leave me alone. and i still don't really know if i want him to. then the last he. he is hard to explain. he and i haven't been talking lately. our internet schedules have become incompatible. but we both are on for once... but all i can think about is said friend and her poopiness. and how the things she said to me made me feel worthless and even more insecure and aware of my loneliness.
sunday. at work he made fun of my hair. then he told me to shut the fuck up before he beats my ass. then he threatened to pour frappachino mix on me. "i'm serious, liz." i asked him to leave. short for 5 hours. screwed over self and other 2 baristas. he hates me for it. he thinks she is better at getting things done. he teases me about my mouth infection and my male friends. he makes me even more aware that everyone has a significant other except me. i am sad that i am actually attracted to him. that makes me hate him. hard to explain, i guess. she was unhappy. she did not enjoy her shift with me. all i want if for them to enjoy working with me. then he and she came in to help us close and remind me yet again how in love they are. a few older male customers hit on me. it made me sad because it seems like only those over the age of 30 seem to be interested in the way i look. i ran out of tampons mid shift. i did not take any breaks for the 8 and a half hours i was there. grande awake did not come in. i came home and the first and third he EVER of my life were outside in front of my neighborhood. i had called the first he about a week or so ago and he has not called me back. he just stared at me. i went inside. mommie yelled at me. i went back outside to deposit necessities in car. they whistled and cat called at me. i stopped and stared in the middle of the court. they didn't say anything. i went back inside and came out with forgotten items and a new hope to maybe ask him why he hadn't called me back. they were gone. i walked to my car and saw a car pull out behind me. i heard yelling as i shut my door and covered my ears. i went over to his house again. watched another movie. played guitar. still did not cuddle. he patted me on the back when we hugged. it's not that i want him... he is just a friend. and a damn good one. i don't want him to be more than that. i just want more than that.
monday: came home at like 2:30 am and he was online. he and i got into a spat. i am feeling lonely and insecure. he thought that was maybe a hint that he would no longer have a date to that wedding. then i IMed another him. a him i tried desperately hard to let go of after he dropped me. a him that writes the most wonderful things... things that i would want written about me. and well... he writes them for her. and it hurts... not that he doesn't write them for me... but that i don't have someone to write them for me. or that i don't have someone to write them for.
and so now here i am crying and thinking about how many he's i have let in that just go and mess me all up. when will one that i let in actually let me back into him? when will i let one in that sees me truly and wants me to see him? i don't care if you all think that this is stupid and redundant of me. i don't care if it shows how weak and pitiful i am because i want to be with someone. i am so lonely and lost and just... just sad.
because there is no need.
My teeth rot away because there is no need. I will not smile.
My tummy grows larger because there is no need. No one will be watching it jiggle.
My mouth becomes swollen and sore because there is no need. I will not kiss.
My feet stink with more potency because there is no need. No one will be near to smell them.
My hair lengthens on my legs and between my hips because there is no need. No one will feel the prickle.
My hands harden and become rough because there is no need. They will not come in contact with any other skin but my own.
My face ages and gathers wrinkles because there is no need. No one is waiting to see it light up.
My eyes focus less and carry circles underneath because there is no need. No one will be gazing into them.
My heart grows lonely and cold because there is no need. I will not love.
My tummy grows larger because there is no need. No one will be watching it jiggle.
My mouth becomes swollen and sore because there is no need. I will not kiss.
My feet stink with more potency because there is no need. No one will be near to smell them.
My hair lengthens on my legs and between my hips because there is no need. No one will feel the prickle.
My hands harden and become rough because there is no need. They will not come in contact with any other skin but my own.
My face ages and gathers wrinkles because there is no need. No one is waiting to see it light up.
My eyes focus less and carry circles underneath because there is no need. No one will be gazing into them.
My heart grows lonely and cold because there is no need. I will not love.
republished post.
due to some retarded netscaped sub set of shout outs... i have republished this post and will mess with the comments accordingly.
thank you for choosing starbux.
comments on my june 21, 2003 bitter post about tatu's 2003 MTV Movie Awards Performance can, and should, be made below.
thank you for choosing starbux.
comments on my june 21, 2003 bitter post about tatu's 2003 MTV Movie Awards Performance can, and should, be made below.
Friday, June 20, 2003
here we go again, infatuation ...
with such a promising title, you'd think i'd have some new fuzzy tummy feeling story to share with you. alas, it it just a quote from an old Green Day song that has been running through my brain since a visit to good ol' CP a few days ago. sorry to get your hopes up.
in other news, my daddie leaves for Alabama Jama 2003 tomorrow... and i'm very upset that i cannot join him. to think a whole year has gone by since i went down there for the first time to meet some of my paternal extended family. craziness. i'm a little nervous about him traveling alone. i'm also jealous that my brother and i will be left behind. but i'm secretly enjoying the fact that mike didn't really want to go without me. hehe. i wouldn't want to go without him either. some things are only as special as the people you share them with.
man... last summer was so great. definitely on of the top 5 summers of my life. in fact... my summers have always been pretty awesome. especially the camp counseloring, colorguarding and the OAing. summer work is such a blast when it involves being outside and lotsa people.
i am totally getting summer fever with all of this rain nonsense and my being held hostage in that damn building everyday instead of playing outside. hopefully mike and i will take a trip down to DC tomorrow to check out the art gallery and maybe the spy museum. i cannot wait to just chill and write and take it all in with my boy. it better not rain... lemme go hit up my weather and find out.
in other news, my daddie leaves for Alabama Jama 2003 tomorrow... and i'm very upset that i cannot join him. to think a whole year has gone by since i went down there for the first time to meet some of my paternal extended family. craziness. i'm a little nervous about him traveling alone. i'm also jealous that my brother and i will be left behind. but i'm secretly enjoying the fact that mike didn't really want to go without me. hehe. i wouldn't want to go without him either. some things are only as special as the people you share them with.
man... last summer was so great. definitely on of the top 5 summers of my life. in fact... my summers have always been pretty awesome. especially the camp counseloring, colorguarding and the OAing. summer work is such a blast when it involves being outside and lotsa people.
i am totally getting summer fever with all of this rain nonsense and my being held hostage in that damn building everyday instead of playing outside. hopefully mike and i will take a trip down to DC tomorrow to check out the art gallery and maybe the spy museum. i cannot wait to just chill and write and take it all in with my boy. it better not rain... lemme go hit up my weather and find out.
Thursday, June 19, 2003
what the poop?
ok people... blogger is off the hook. i was just going to put up some bull shit excuse as to why i have not been updating, but BAM!
they hit me with a new format.
very spiffy. much more user friendly. glad to see that my choice in software is making moves to improve itself... just like i am ::cheese::
and that is kinda why i haven't been posting. i'm rather bored with the internet at the moment. i think i OD'ed a little while ago and just need some space.
don't worry, darlings... i would never break up with you. i just think we should be taking some time to ourselves to make sure that we are both really getting what we want and need from this relationship.
heh.
they hit me with a new format.
very spiffy. much more user friendly. glad to see that my choice in software is making moves to improve itself... just like i am ::cheese::
and that is kinda why i haven't been posting. i'm rather bored with the internet at the moment. i think i OD'ed a little while ago and just need some space.
don't worry, darlings... i would never break up with you. i just think we should be taking some time to ourselves to make sure that we are both really getting what we want and need from this relationship.
heh.
Sunday, June 15, 2003
starting ...
i just had to share this column with you all.
it really hit home for me.
it really hit home for me.
“The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.”
~Henry Miller
busting out the sorting hat
Gryffindor! Fun-loving and ballsy down to the last
detail, you follow rules when it's convenient
for you and never turn down an opportunity to
par-tay. You're loud, mischievous, and a little
naive at times, but never let your awesome
self-confidence waver. Like Slytherin, you too
appreciate the finer things in life...just in a
very...different way.
A More Unique Hogwarts Sorting Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla
you know... tonight has definitely made me realize something. there are many different people on this planet... and so trying to lump them into two categories is nearly impossible... but i'm going to do it anyway for the sake of drama.
there are those who live independently... and those who need someone else to live for them.
now, dependent people can be dependent on anyone, really. or it might not be a person at all. we all know that the drug/alcohol/cigarette/gambling/obsession or addiction to anything else argument has been proven. i don't need to go there. so back to that dependent on other people thing. sometimes it can be a parent. sometimes a close relative. sometimes a good friend. but, more often than not... it's a significant other.
it is quite an accepted truth that when some people get into romantic relationships, they slack on maintaining outside friendships. now i am not saying this isn't true for everyone to a certain extent... because there are only so many hours in a day, and only so many places you can be at once. but i'm not talking about just a slight change in time management. i'm talking about those who become intertwined with their partner to such a degree that you (and maybe even they) forget who they are as an individual.
i went to the movies tonight with some special people. but i'd like to highlight two, in particular. these two very good friends of mine are dating. i'd stretch it so far to say exclusive. they are a couple. they are lovely. but they aren't lovely because they have such a great relationship, or because he always holds the door, or because they are always honest with each other, or because they'd look smashing on a christmas card in matching outfits. they are lovely because they are independent. they aren't a package deal. they are their own separate entities... and together they make something outstanding. but even when they aren't together... they are still outstanding. in the same way too. they don't have these retarded "couplehood" hats they put on every time they are together.
they are my friends. they both make time for me. i love spending time with them when they are together. and apart. i am not afraid of either of them getting jealous or pissy with me because i could be a third wheel or competition or a threat... because they wouldn't. they are confident enough in themselves, their relationship and in me.
and my lord, is that refreshing. finally... i have a role model for the type of relationship i want. thanx... for letting me live vicariously through you two tonight. heh. i'd almost dare to say that we are even now... but...
naw. you all still owe me frickin HUUUUGE!
there are those who live independently... and those who need someone else to live for them.
now, dependent people can be dependent on anyone, really. or it might not be a person at all. we all know that the drug/alcohol/cigarette/gambling/obsession or addiction to anything else argument has been proven. i don't need to go there. so back to that dependent on other people thing. sometimes it can be a parent. sometimes a close relative. sometimes a good friend. but, more often than not... it's a significant other.
it is quite an accepted truth that when some people get into romantic relationships, they slack on maintaining outside friendships. now i am not saying this isn't true for everyone to a certain extent... because there are only so many hours in a day, and only so many places you can be at once. but i'm not talking about just a slight change in time management. i'm talking about those who become intertwined with their partner to such a degree that you (and maybe even they) forget who they are as an individual.
i went to the movies tonight with some special people. but i'd like to highlight two, in particular. these two very good friends of mine are dating. i'd stretch it so far to say exclusive. they are a couple. they are lovely. but they aren't lovely because they have such a great relationship, or because he always holds the door, or because they are always honest with each other, or because they'd look smashing on a christmas card in matching outfits. they are lovely because they are independent. they aren't a package deal. they are their own separate entities... and together they make something outstanding. but even when they aren't together... they are still outstanding. in the same way too. they don't have these retarded "couplehood" hats they put on every time they are together.
they are my friends. they both make time for me. i love spending time with them when they are together. and apart. i am not afraid of either of them getting jealous or pissy with me because i could be a third wheel or competition or a threat... because they wouldn't. they are confident enough in themselves, their relationship and in me.
and my lord, is that refreshing. finally... i have a role model for the type of relationship i want. thanx... for letting me live vicariously through you two tonight. heh. i'd almost dare to say that we are even now... but...
naw. you all still owe me frickin HUUUUGE!
Saturday, June 14, 2003
reasons why my parents RAWK!
1. they drink bailey's on ice.
2. they aren't afraid to bust out singing "sentimental journey" in the middle of a crowded starbux.
3. they leave good tips.
4. they actually talk to my friends because they are geniunely interested in them.
5. they hang out with me. multiple times a week. in public. without fighting.
6. they make just as many bad jokes as i do. and they laugh at all of mine.
7. they support me and the choices i make. i think they even like my kookie idears.
8. they will even come to my poetry readings. (when i actually organize them, that is).
9. they hug me a lot.
10. they tell me they love me almost as much as i tell them i love them.
2. they aren't afraid to bust out singing "sentimental journey" in the middle of a crowded starbux.
3. they leave good tips.
4. they actually talk to my friends because they are geniunely interested in them.
5. they hang out with me. multiple times a week. in public. without fighting.
6. they make just as many bad jokes as i do. and they laugh at all of mine.
7. they support me and the choices i make. i think they even like my kookie idears.
8. they will even come to my poetry readings. (when i actually organize them, that is).
9. they hug me a lot.
10. they tell me they love me almost as much as i tell them i love them.
i want more than just ok
howdy, folks.
tragedy has hit my world. yes, you guessed it. my shower head has broken. the hose has sprung multiple holes and now taking a shower is more like running through a sprinkler that was turned on ulta-high.
it totally ruins my shower experience. instead of daydreaming, planning, sorting things out in my head, writing lyrics, belting out melodies, and the various other activities i enjoy while doing the personal hygiene thing ::snort:: i have to worry about getting the shit kicked out of me by the random, venomous sprays of water. my skin is too sensitive for this sort of brash treatment.
any plumbers in my area wanna come and help a sistah out? i could use some ass crack viewing, now that you mention it.
no, wait... strike that. i have had asshole exposure coming out of the a-- ok that pun went a little too far. but forgetting about that, the message is still true. i am a magnet for freakishly mean people. i always feel like i am battling evil... and even though the good guy is supposed to win, i never seem to make it to the end of the 60 minute episode. i only get to the cliff hanger around minute 26.
all i hope for is karma and some poetic justice.
he's full of shit. he's been telling me that he will call me and that he will email me and then he will share with me what's been going on with him.
... yeah ... i'm still waiting.
i poured out my heart to you, THE most important person in my life outside of my family. i spent time, energy and tears on you and how i wanted you to know just how important you are to me. and before any of you reading this get all huffy puffy at me... this is not about a boy. i mean, yeah, he is a male, but he is not some object of my infatuations. he's a friend who has made an unexplainable impact on my life. and i just finally figured that out after four years. and i had to tell him.
and so i did. and i felt and still do feel wonderful about it. i'm just pissed that instead of being accepting and understanding about what i had to say... he just built me up and let me fucking fall. if you don't care enough to CALL ME BACK or remember my fucking PHONE NUMBER that has been the same thing for over THREE YEARS or to follow through with ANY of the promises you make then just SAY SO. just tell me so i don't hafta sit here and feel shitted on. i won't be bitter, i won't be offended, i'll be cool with that. like i said, my realization about how important you were is still a truth and i will always care and love and make an effort.
all i ask is that you don't lie to me and yourself about how important i am to you.
i don't need to be as important to you. i don't need or want some pity return of affections.
just fucking know you are loved and respected and show me some in return. because you are wasting my time. and i will eventually hate you for it.
anyways... he is only one of the assholes making a cameo in my series premier of this season's series of misadventures. and he doesn't even have enough interest to even check my page. but to you who DOES read my page, with religious loyalties... i suggest that you stop. because i don't want you to read me anymore. i don't want you to think about me. i don't want you to have any more access to fucking with me. you are a paranoid crybaby who can't take honesty even in small doses. i have learned a lot from you, but most importantly, you have reinforced my feelings about the previously mentioned he. that it doesn't matter how honest or open or excitedly i care about someone... if they don't have a healthy way of giving me the same in return... i can't make anything real and alive out of it.
so thank you, to both of you. for giving me a few more insights to people who just haven't developed enough to know how to love. on any level.
intelligence and charisma and technique will only take you so far. i have fallen for charm and a hopeful smile more than once... and i know i will again and again. but that's not real. and it's not what i want in my life. i have enough of those things within my own being to get by. i need me some honesty and some caring. i need the things that snuggles are made of.
butterfleyes and starzie skeyes.
tragedy has hit my world. yes, you guessed it. my shower head has broken. the hose has sprung multiple holes and now taking a shower is more like running through a sprinkler that was turned on ulta-high.
it totally ruins my shower experience. instead of daydreaming, planning, sorting things out in my head, writing lyrics, belting out melodies, and the various other activities i enjoy while doing the personal hygiene thing ::snort:: i have to worry about getting the shit kicked out of me by the random, venomous sprays of water. my skin is too sensitive for this sort of brash treatment.
any plumbers in my area wanna come and help a sistah out? i could use some ass crack viewing, now that you mention it.
no, wait... strike that. i have had asshole exposure coming out of the a-- ok that pun went a little too far. but forgetting about that, the message is still true. i am a magnet for freakishly mean people. i always feel like i am battling evil... and even though the good guy is supposed to win, i never seem to make it to the end of the 60 minute episode. i only get to the cliff hanger around minute 26.
all i hope for is karma and some poetic justice.
he's full of shit. he's been telling me that he will call me and that he will email me and then he will share with me what's been going on with him.
... yeah ... i'm still waiting.
i poured out my heart to you, THE most important person in my life outside of my family. i spent time, energy and tears on you and how i wanted you to know just how important you are to me. and before any of you reading this get all huffy puffy at me... this is not about a boy. i mean, yeah, he is a male, but he is not some object of my infatuations. he's a friend who has made an unexplainable impact on my life. and i just finally figured that out after four years. and i had to tell him.
and so i did. and i felt and still do feel wonderful about it. i'm just pissed that instead of being accepting and understanding about what i had to say... he just built me up and let me fucking fall. if you don't care enough to CALL ME BACK or remember my fucking PHONE NUMBER that has been the same thing for over THREE YEARS or to follow through with ANY of the promises you make then just SAY SO. just tell me so i don't hafta sit here and feel shitted on. i won't be bitter, i won't be offended, i'll be cool with that. like i said, my realization about how important you were is still a truth and i will always care and love and make an effort.
all i ask is that you don't lie to me and yourself about how important i am to you.
i don't need to be as important to you. i don't need or want some pity return of affections.
just fucking know you are loved and respected and show me some in return. because you are wasting my time. and i will eventually hate you for it.
anyways... he is only one of the assholes making a cameo in my series premier of this season's series of misadventures. and he doesn't even have enough interest to even check my page. but to you who DOES read my page, with religious loyalties... i suggest that you stop. because i don't want you to read me anymore. i don't want you to think about me. i don't want you to have any more access to fucking with me. you are a paranoid crybaby who can't take honesty even in small doses. i have learned a lot from you, but most importantly, you have reinforced my feelings about the previously mentioned he. that it doesn't matter how honest or open or excitedly i care about someone... if they don't have a healthy way of giving me the same in return... i can't make anything real and alive out of it.
so thank you, to both of you. for giving me a few more insights to people who just haven't developed enough to know how to love. on any level.
intelligence and charisma and technique will only take you so far. i have fallen for charm and a hopeful smile more than once... and i know i will again and again. but that's not real. and it's not what i want in my life. i have enough of those things within my own being to get by. i need me some honesty and some caring. i need the things that snuggles are made of.
butterfleyes and starzie skeyes.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
what's this? a post at 9 in the morning?? no way.
way.
i woke up at 8 am. yeah... that's right. EIGHT AM.
recockulous.
but that was not the point of this post. i was eating my cinnamon raison english muffin and my 1-part awake 1-part refresh tea and decided to watch MTV for the first time this month. now... i may be slow on the uptake. i mean, i still don't know who 50 cent is. but jewel? have you all seen or heard her new single?
ummn... ew.
she's like... dancing... in pink pleather.
and what the FUCK is up with that fire hose crap at the end?
i mean this is JEWEL, people!
where did my yodeling, crooked teeth, poetic in that cute way baby girl go?
i'm so disenchanted right now.
way.
i woke up at 8 am. yeah... that's right. EIGHT AM.
... not by choice, of course.
once again, i was awaken by a phone call from the black hole. because, you know... i have memorized how many burr grinders we have in the store and know where they are and how many we have sold at all times.recockulous.
but that was not the point of this post. i was eating my cinnamon raison english muffin and my 1-part awake 1-part refresh tea and decided to watch MTV for the first time this month. now... i may be slow on the uptake. i mean, i still don't know who 50 cent is. but jewel? have you all seen or heard her new single?
ummn... ew.
she's like... dancing... in pink pleather.
and what the FUCK is up with that fire hose crap at the end?
i mean this is JEWEL, people!
where did my yodeling, crooked teeth, poetic in that cute way baby girl go?
i'm so disenchanted right now.
the starbuckian apocalypse
the shitteth hath hitteth the faneth. eth.
and i couldn't be happier!! ::does silly wiggle type thing::
... let me explain.
without going into incriminating detail... because a few of the staff i work with read this page... today we had a little problem between myself and another member of the management team. the problem was that our customers were not getting legendary service... even though the front bar was broken and we had to use the drive-thru bar which is right next to frap land and makes the whole "making drink process" a little messy and annoying... there was no excuse for it. the store was fully staffed and had THREE key holders on duty.
there is no one to blame per say, for this happening... but the person responsible for this happening is whoever happens to be running the shift (which, in theory, happened to be me). ahem.
long story short, i was disrespected and contradicted and attempted to be made out to like the problem... and a fool (although i probably already looked like one with my cocked-slightly-to-the-right-black-baseball-cap-complete-with-starbux-ensignia on). but that is besides the point. we had a meeting with the all of the managerial parties involved. heh. it was fireworks.
mother-pooping-disneyland-magical-like-woa fireworks.
and NONE of them erupted from me!! =D
the person i had the problem with totally quirked out. they kept interrupting everyone else while they were speaking... and here is where it gets good... i totally did the dana carvey "can i finish" ross pero thing in response. not only did i do this, but i came within inches of being bitch slapped upside the head when i laughed under my breath when they exclaimed passionately that they were sick of doing all the work and that they never left the floor unattended.
hahahahahah i'm so giggling out loud with sinister glee as i type this.
and they even had the nerve to tell me "i know you judge me all of the time. i don't care what you think. this is what you do. you JUDGE people. don't feed me your psycho babble. i don't want to hear it. i'm leaving."
and they walked out of the meeting.
let's just say that i left that meeting grinning from ear to ear. throughout that whole thing... all the tension that had been building up... all of the mean and nasty things i could have said about their mother... instead, i remained professional. and although i may be a sensitive soul, i have never been so worked up over something that had NOTHING to do with a personal aspect of my life. some people can dish it out like no other... hot air and fireworks and screaming and drama... but they don't even realize that all of the things they are accusing others of... is precisely what they are doing.
later on before they left... i almost laughed in their face when they mentioned that they hadn't gotten their second ten yet. that would have been mean. i'm glad i choked it down. i'm so glad that i don't have to pretend anymore. that i don't have to put on the social graces. i can just smile in my little pool of cynical glee. i can hold this documented incident close to my heart with my review coming up. i can sample the new african coffees to our district manager and casually mention the lack of third place we have created for our employees. i can continue to run my shifts to the best of my ability... and never have to worry about what they will think of my performance or worry that their opinions will impact my job.
i know now that they will never learn. never grow or mature to a place where they can operate in such a workplace in an honorable and honest manner.
and the only thing i feel bad about through all of this... is that i really do hope they never learn. they don't deserve to.
and i couldn't be happier!! ::does silly wiggle type thing::
... let me explain.
without going into incriminating detail... because a few of the staff i work with read this page... today we had a little problem between myself and another member of the management team. the problem was that our customers were not getting legendary service... even though the front bar was broken and we had to use the drive-thru bar which is right next to frap land and makes the whole "making drink process" a little messy and annoying... there was no excuse for it. the store was fully staffed and had THREE key holders on duty.
there is no one to blame per say, for this happening... but the person responsible for this happening is whoever happens to be running the shift (which, in theory, happened to be me). ahem.
long story short, i was disrespected and contradicted and attempted to be made out to like the problem... and a fool (although i probably already looked like one with my cocked-slightly-to-the-right-black-baseball-cap-complete-with-starbux-ensignia on). but that is besides the point. we had a meeting with the all of the managerial parties involved. heh. it was fireworks.
mother-pooping-disneyland-magical-like-woa fireworks.
and NONE of them erupted from me!! =D
the person i had the problem with totally quirked out. they kept interrupting everyone else while they were speaking... and here is where it gets good... i totally did the dana carvey "can i finish" ross pero thing in response. not only did i do this, but i came within inches of being bitch slapped upside the head when i laughed under my breath when they exclaimed passionately that they were sick of doing all the work and that they never left the floor unattended.
hahahahahah i'm so giggling out loud with sinister glee as i type this.
and they even had the nerve to tell me "i know you judge me all of the time. i don't care what you think. this is what you do. you JUDGE people. don't feed me your psycho babble. i don't want to hear it. i'm leaving."
and they walked out of the meeting.
let's just say that i left that meeting grinning from ear to ear. throughout that whole thing... all the tension that had been building up... all of the mean and nasty things i could have said about their mother... instead, i remained professional. and although i may be a sensitive soul, i have never been so worked up over something that had NOTHING to do with a personal aspect of my life. some people can dish it out like no other... hot air and fireworks and screaming and drama... but they don't even realize that all of the things they are accusing others of... is precisely what they are doing.
later on before they left... i almost laughed in their face when they mentioned that they hadn't gotten their second ten yet. that would have been mean. i'm glad i choked it down. i'm so glad that i don't have to pretend anymore. that i don't have to put on the social graces. i can just smile in my little pool of cynical glee. i can hold this documented incident close to my heart with my review coming up. i can sample the new african coffees to our district manager and casually mention the lack of third place we have created for our employees. i can continue to run my shifts to the best of my ability... and never have to worry about what they will think of my performance or worry that their opinions will impact my job.
i know now that they will never learn. never grow or mature to a place where they can operate in such a workplace in an honorable and honest manner.
and the only thing i feel bad about through all of this... is that i really do hope they never learn. they don't deserve to.
blame us cause we are who we are.
hate us cause you'll never get that far.
and who'd suppose that you would go?
i've already learned enough to know.
Monday, June 09, 2003
Ok. This waste-of-space thing has gone on for 14 days longer than it should have. I am bored with it. And after that emotional snort of an post last night… I should take the hint and get a new angle. Let’s save the “I hate my life” type vibes for the angsty teens, shall we?
Right. So how do I take steps to free myself from the current state of blobdom?
hrmm.
A good enough start for now. It’s past my bedtime.
Right. So how do I take steps to free myself from the current state of blobdom?
hrmm.
1: Start going to bed before 2am, unless detained by some worthy social event or mind numbing writing or musical epiphany.
2: Wake up before noon. No matter what (even if you were up late due to reasons from #1).
3: Use day planner for what it was designed for. MAKE PLANS. ANY freaking plans.
4: Update webpage daily. A real update, you cheating little toot. Need to get that creative writing thing going.
5: Call important people and make plans to move on business-type things. This includes colorguard business, B&W business, internship business and musical business.
A good enough start for now. It’s past my bedtime.
Sunday, June 08, 2003
i guess i should just accept it. i will always just be disappointed.
i shouldn't settle for anything less than extraordinary? it's a waste of my time?
just think of all the time i've wasted just trying to figure out what is extraordinary.
it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that my life right now surely isn't.
::insert other whiney, self pitying remarks here::
just go to bed, you cow.
i shouldn't settle for anything less than extraordinary? it's a waste of my time?
just think of all the time i've wasted just trying to figure out what is extraordinary.
it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that my life right now surely isn't.
::insert other whiney, self pitying remarks here::
just go to bed, you cow.
i had the most useless day today. i woke up at 2:30, missing a lunch date with my newest most favoritest waitress. god i suck.
i drank skim no whip white mocha with my father to try and make myself feel better. he even went and picked it up for me so i wouldn't hafta go and face that place.
then i read 2/3 of my current book. i did this while half-watching batman and giggling with my brother about michael keaton and multiplicity.
i did actually make a very important phone call. and he actually answered this time.
then i lost track of time. missed a very important friend's graduation party. i am such an ass and so i decided to cry about my idiocy in the shower for 45 minutes.
then i read more of my book and waited for him to call back, in vein.
you see he promised he would call back and check his email and he didn't even after the length of my tearful shower. what i didn't see was the voicemail light blinking. he left me a message saying he got a service call from work and would call later. i only now know this because i just called him and yelled at him "i could totally kill you. you know that, right?! with my hands..." clearly channeling ms. chase for the occasion. now i am feeling like an even larger useless prat because i assumed he was being a jerk.
so after the most useless day i can only look back and say...
i'm sorry for missing lunch, lindz. and your party, amy. let me take u (amy) out to lunch so u (lindz) can be our server. please.
i drank skim no whip white mocha with my father to try and make myself feel better. he even went and picked it up for me so i wouldn't hafta go and face that place.
then i read 2/3 of my current book. i did this while half-watching batman and giggling with my brother about michael keaton and multiplicity.
i did actually make a very important phone call. and he actually answered this time.
then i lost track of time. missed a very important friend's graduation party. i am such an ass and so i decided to cry about my idiocy in the shower for 45 minutes.
then i read more of my book and waited for him to call back, in vein.
you see he promised he would call back and check his email and he didn't even after the length of my tearful shower. what i didn't see was the voicemail light blinking. he left me a message saying he got a service call from work and would call later. i only now know this because i just called him and yelled at him "i could totally kill you. you know that, right?! with my hands..." clearly channeling ms. chase for the occasion. now i am feeling like an even larger useless prat because i assumed he was being a jerk.
so after the most useless day i can only look back and say...
i'm sorry for missing lunch, lindz. and your party, amy. let me take u (amy) out to lunch so u (lindz) can be our server. please.
... at least i called him. =/
Saturday, June 07, 2003
best friday five ever!
1. How many times have you truly been in love?
countless. that is what first popped into my mind, anyway.
if i sit to think about it, i'd probably babble on about being in love in that moment, even if now i realize i didn't know what love was at that time. but i don't like that answer, so i retract that and will stick with my automatic response... countless times. sometimes with a boy. sometimes with a girl. sometimes with the way my hair falls around my face. i fall in and out of love with everything that i interact with. and i wouldn't have it any other way.
2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?
he lets me go crazy.
he realizes that love is something that, although shared between two people in the conventional sense, really is an individual emotion that can never truly be understood by anyone except yourself. and the love i have for him... it's something so overwhelming and scary that i cannot help but get swept away with it... whether or not he is holding my hand at the time.
and he puts up with that. i think he might even like it.
3. What qualities should a significant other have?
depends on the person... and how significant that other is to that person.
if you mean what qualities do i envision my significant other having... i don't really know if that is a fair question to ask. the only safe answer to that one (in attempts of not disappointing yourself) if that the person should be willing and excited to grow and change with you. people seem to want a packaged love relationship that needs to stay the same in that romantical sexual tension period. i guess i just don't want someone who wants that.
4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
yes. i have broken quite a few. some repeatedly. never intentionally or maliciously though. i don't mind talking about the incidents either.
the surprising part of this answer is that i have probably broken the hearts of far more women than men. and while i don't regret the endings and their tragedies... i am beautifully marked and scared forever by the hurt i may have caused.
5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be?
it is everything.
well, that and... love is not some cookie cutter thing that can be described in books or movies or poetry. love is an individual and unique bond that is never the same between two people. it comes in many forms and really does not need the returning affections to be valid.
love is growing and yearning and a constant need of the heart. like air to lungs.
countless. that is what first popped into my mind, anyway.
if i sit to think about it, i'd probably babble on about being in love in that moment, even if now i realize i didn't know what love was at that time. but i don't like that answer, so i retract that and will stick with my automatic response... countless times. sometimes with a boy. sometimes with a girl. sometimes with the way my hair falls around my face. i fall in and out of love with everything that i interact with. and i wouldn't have it any other way.
2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?
he lets me go crazy.
he realizes that love is something that, although shared between two people in the conventional sense, really is an individual emotion that can never truly be understood by anyone except yourself. and the love i have for him... it's something so overwhelming and scary that i cannot help but get swept away with it... whether or not he is holding my hand at the time.
and he puts up with that. i think he might even like it.
3. What qualities should a significant other have?
depends on the person... and how significant that other is to that person.
if you mean what qualities do i envision my significant other having... i don't really know if that is a fair question to ask. the only safe answer to that one (in attempts of not disappointing yourself) if that the person should be willing and excited to grow and change with you. people seem to want a packaged love relationship that needs to stay the same in that romantical sexual tension period. i guess i just don't want someone who wants that.
4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
yes. i have broken quite a few. some repeatedly. never intentionally or maliciously though. i don't mind talking about the incidents either.
the surprising part of this answer is that i have probably broken the hearts of far more women than men. and while i don't regret the endings and their tragedies... i am beautifully marked and scared forever by the hurt i may have caused.
5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be?
it is everything.
well, that and... love is not some cookie cutter thing that can be described in books or movies or poetry. love is an individual and unique bond that is never the same between two people. it comes in many forms and really does not need the returning affections to be valid.
love is growing and yearning and a constant need of the heart. like air to lungs.
say it ... s l o w l y
one another u p
as we p a s s
along the side w a l k
you see, girls criticize
with their eyes
behind their tortoise shell sunglasses
as she passes
underneath our breath
we talk
about the princesses
we are surely not
she wears last season's a d i d a s
her calves are unproportionately h u g e
her thighs
s h a k e
with each stride
her beer
g u t
she can't hide
a size
t h i r t e e n
this bad luck
d r e a m
every month she b l e e d s
the needs
of all of the
never-be
beauty q u e e n s.
like it? you should hear me say it ... slowly.
Friday, June 06, 2003
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
explanation:
it isn't my fault, really. i have become one of those i used to envy. those who sleep until noon at the earliest everyday... and stay awake until at least three in the morning.
and well.
i am highly disappointed.
i thought it would be more glamorous.
so yeah, i am going to fight the powers that be (and the calling of the $buds) and try to force myself to go to sleep tonight after what will most likely be the close from hell.
starbux being the only reason i have to wake up in the morning really makes me want to go back to sleep. maybe that's why i sleep half the day away and spend half the night living vicariously through angela chase. but i will save that story for another time, dear readers.
and well.
i am highly disappointed.
i thought it would be more glamorous.
so yeah, i am going to fight the powers that be (and the calling of the $buds) and try to force myself to go to sleep tonight after what will most likely be the close from hell.
starbux being the only reason i have to wake up in the morning really makes me want to go back to sleep. maybe that's why i sleep half the day away and spend half the night living vicariously through angela chase. but i will save that story for another time, dear readers.
Monday, June 02, 2003
my mother just made a noise in her sleep. it was a high-pitched hum... like how i say "WoO" only with her mouth closed. it was one of those noises that you can't tell if it was an excited, happy noise... or a scared noise.
i stood in the doorway to her bedroom. the hallway light flooding into the room and onto her figure beneath her covers. i leaned forward, and i saw the light's highlights on my hair. it was nice to stand watching over my mother. i feel like i owed her one.
i stood in the doorway to her bedroom. the hallway light flooding into the room and onto her figure beneath her covers. i leaned forward, and i saw the light's highlights on my hair. it was nice to stand watching over my mother. i feel like i owed her one.
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