happy halloween, love.

i'm going to be pippi longstocking tonight. yep.

don't hate.

anybuddy know the name of her monkey?

FCUK!!!!!

it's done.

anybuddy wanna host me until i can get on my feet again??

PLEASE! I SWEAR I'LL UPDATE A LOT. AND IT'LL BE INTERESTING. I EVEN HAVE A NEW LAYOUT ALMOST READY TO GO.

::cries hysterically::

and for anyone who wants to be notified about where my site ends up... email me and let me know.

sorry everyone :(

goddess.

dawg of the moment:

i like this music.

i fell up the stairs this morning and tripped over my left shoe.
i pulled my hair out yesterday at the office because the place was an effing zoo.
i burned my finger last night cooking dinner and cried like a baby
and i wasted so much time being useless that i made myself crazy.

my colorguard and i are having a wonderful run this season
and my band director has made things enjoyable beyond reason.
it's a shame that my one passion and success
doesn't bring my budget any money or my mind any rest.

my moving date is drawing closer and closer
but things at home are getting tense and i feel like i'm on a roller coaster
i'm scared about finding a new place of employment
and going to this new city in hopes of finding some sort of social enjoyment.

i look over my blog and realize that i haven't written shit in weeks
but i am just not being inspired... i mean even this poem reeks.

The Commoners

So there's my mom. She's the office manager. Too tolerant for her own good.

And the best part about the office is the over 50 club. There's Patzie and Patty. No joke. Along with Kitty... they make up the nurses' power triangle. There is Diva, the beanie baby goddess who wears colorful scrubs and does jazzersize. She's my girl. Then there is Prissy... she's cool... but sometimes rubs me the wrong way. I think she has worked here TOO long if you know what I mean.

These ladies have all known me since before I was born.

Kinda scary.

Baby is the newly hired nurse. She's wickedly funny and sarcastic and she handles her shit well. She and I are buds. I'm glad she decided to continue on after her internship. Without her... I would be extremely bored.

There are the lab techs... LaQueshia and Shaniqua. Ghetto princesses to the core. I love being at check in because I get to hear their conversations all day. They are dressing up as vampires on halloween. get it?!?! they take BLOOD! hahahhaa ::falls out of chair laughing::

sigh.

And now... for the paper shufflers. Candy is the newest of the crew. She keeps leaving to go train at the other office. She keeps her own jar of goodies at her desk and doesn't like to share.

The Slacker sisters work check out and some nursing responsibilities but really just milk the clock and go out to lunch together. They like latin music and manicures.

Then we have Daft who is a secretary who acts like she is something more important. Her ignorance on just how useless she is proves to be entertaining at times.

Our file clerks are a trip and a half. DeeDee is a hyper little asian lady who hits people for fun more than i do. Mama stays on my ass all day and lets me vent during our carpooled rides to work. i heart both of them.

and then there is me. the boss' daughter who has no problem saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. like the url to my web page at staff lunch today...........

holy poo!! van morrison came out with a new record?!?!?!

what's wrong with this picture? ... i don't own it yet!

The Upper Class Staff:

So there's Dr. White. He's the big cheese. The senior. The one who has been through it all.

There's Dr. Hipster. He's the favorite. Patients will wait hours for this man. He says things like "Hello, Kitty." and "Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?" for no reason except to see me turn pink.

And then we have Dr. Boring. He bends over backwards for his patients. Is rarely in a good mood. Doesn't really say much to the likes of us receptionist whores.

Dr. Sexy is new. She can only see patients with certain insurances. Maybe I should call her Dr. Shady instead.

We have PA's too.

PA Love is my absolute favorite. She wears matching shirt and sweater sets that show hints of her cleavage, but is always professional and classy. She has pornstar hair.

PA Lousy is anal retentive, high strung and is always late. She tries to be cool and cute which makes things even worse.

PA Ream embraces her bitchiness. She's old, skinny and bitter. She works it well... but she's a spoiled brat. She makes my job harder.



maybe i'll introduce you to the office staff later. right now i'm too busy being bitter about my lack of lunch break.

so maybe it's my messiah complex thing

... combined with my watching the Matrix Reloaded last night.

I couldn't sleep at all. I'm so out of it right now. And not even in a cute way. It's pretty much just annoying and humiliating.

I layed down around 11pm. I was in a whirlpool of nightmares... stuck between self pity and self loathing.

I fucking hate nights like those.

I don't want to write. I don't want to share things with people. I've been avoiding one of my best friends. Blowing off the boy. Going hella introverted.

And while I believe that I need periods on introversion to make decisions, clear my head and sort of re-group emotionally... this is not one of those periods.

This is straight up depression bullshit.

And while my defenses want to say that there is no reason for me to be feeling this way... if I go psychoanalytic on my ass I know what's going on.

I'm not going to let this get to me... I'm going to have fun this weekend. I'm moving out in a month. I'm making progress on the B&W. I'm making money. I've got good people thinking about me and watching my back. I know this. I know this. I know this.





Sometimes I just wish that I could be one of those weak ones.

i really should make up a collage of all these lovely messages.

so i got another one this morning. this time it was completely by accident.

i get into work and sign on AIM with my secret, backup screen name (AmongStarz shhhhh!). and i realize that because i have not used this screen name in such a long time that my buddy list needs to be updated.

i see her name online. i couldn't resist checking her away message and profile. i know. i'm dumb.

"They say people never change. Whoever "they" is, they're wrong. People do change, some for the better and some for worse. I am just hoping that as I change I am becoming a better person. I never want to be as disloyal and back stabbing as some of the people I have witnessed recently.

Thank you to my friends and family who have helped me through my rough times recently... I couldn't be more grateful for the love of true friends and the love of a good man."

now. i'm not putting this up here to whine and complain... in some selfish attempt to make these words not sting like they do. i'm putting it up here because it is on my mind... and i write about things that are on my mind.

would it be bad for me to admit that i snickered out loud reading this?

it's always the same thing. every single time. this self righteous thing that they do. this event (always centering around a boy) that uncovers me as the devious vixen that i am... out to hurt every woman close to me by stealing their men. i am SUCH a dirty, dirty slut.

i guess in a sick sort of way i am flattered... flattered that i get to be that epiphany that leads these young ladies to positive growth and change... my sins catapult them into honorable and righteous born-again virginity of the mind and body.

i just don't understand why they always feel the need to try and make me feel like scum in the process. i mean, positive growth and change should involve understanding and forgiveness... not bitter cut offs and smack talking.

...

i just took a break from typing to follow the directions in her profile to her new screen name and then to her webpage.

surprise, surprise!! there is crap written about me there too!!! and i come to find that she still reads my webpage... probably just to keep fresh, the thoughts in her mind about how much i wronged her.

and now... as much as i want to go back and delete this entire post because i know she'll just read it and it will just fuel this "thing" between us even more... i'm not going to let anyone control my thoughts or my writing. i don't have any bitterness towards her. i wish her well. but if she wants me out of her life... which she made abundantly clear...

then leave. me. alone.
stop trying to pry into my life when you have blocked me from yours. this masochistic tendency you have to keep things that hurt you so close you can taste them... it's not good for you. and it's not good for me. no more accidentally stumbling upon your internet world again.

and as for the rest of you ladies. i hope you don't plan on becoming a close friend of mine any time soon... because this bitch is apparently always on the prowl.

::hair flip::

a prayer to the pooter gods.

both of them.

dear, sacred goddess of the porcelain black hole. mistress of the unmentionable. cleanser of our bodily waste. please help me overcome this demon residing inside of my digestive track. help me to rid my body of this being, who is using me to release his gaseous evils into this world. be my strength, my light... my exorcist.

dear, beauteous god of the 'puter. the electrical savior of my soul. son of Father Gates. please aid me in my time of need. please help me to rid my hard drive of the demon allowing me only to access the sacred information hidden in your robes by using the dreaded and feared SAFE MODE. i yearn for your guidance and grace and ask humbly that you act in haste.

amen.

a rough draft. i think i'll call it "though..."

once upon a time there was a little boy who liked to build cities out of legos. the houses were made to the scale of barbie and her ken. they were made that size so that he could play with his sister.

he was quiet about the barbie thing, though... whenever his friends came over to erect monstrous fortresses and have WW3 in their basement. barbie watched the battle from the arms of the sister on the other side of the room.

there were times that barbie was bored of ken and tired of just being his play thing. during these periods, she went for a more macho, yet much shorter GI that spent most of his time with the brother. joe, i think his name was. she never mentioned joe, or the brother, though... when the sister's friends were over playing beauty parlor and house.

whenever the parents were around, the sister usually ended up screaming at her brother... usually something about how he wouldn't let her have her way. the mother usually sided with the brother, though. him being the younger of the two. he always was a cryer.

she never really screamed and he never really cried though... when the two of them were playing by themselves.

...

15 years later... even though barbie and joe don't really hang out anymore, the brother and sister still play together, quietly... in secret.

forget i mentioned it, though.

big news, maybe?

yesterday we found a townhouse. a gorgeous, townhouse. if we get the place... we are moving in. my two roomies will be moving the last weekend in october, and i will follow suit halfway through november. that's a month, folks... and i'll be there.

i really hope we get this house. it's just... it's almost magical. if we don't get that place, we have single family home as backup. my room there doesn't have a closet or a finished basement. i will manage there... but i'd rather not, you know?

we shall see. i don't want to get into too much detail... i am afraid of jinxing this.

anywho. i shall be adding a wishlist soon so you all can buy me housewarming presents!! =D

I cut up my heart.
I made it into bite-sized pieces
To make it easier
For people to enjoy

But in my excitement
To give my love away
I didn’t save
A piece for myself

So now here I am
Craving a bit of love
wondering how much longer
i can live without it

wondering
how i could have made
such a mistake

Should I look for the pieces
That I gave out before
Or should I look for someone else’s
To replace my own

I don’t think
That anyone else’s
Could ever really satisfy me

But how do I
Get my heart back
Without being called


Indian giver

...

wanna hear it?

thank you, ranger... and welcome to the family.

very weird.

i feel sad. but really, really good.

i deposited my paycheck.

i paid off my phone. my car. my dental stuff. my ticket.

i called her back. and him. and him.

i took my bro to pick up his car.

i had an awesome (but tearful) morning at work.

i'm about to go to guard practice and i couldn't be more pumped.

i'm finishing the application for housing tonight.

i'm talking to my dad tonight about my debt consolidation and financial advising.

...

if nothing else. i needed this crappiness to realize that it is time for me to get my shit together. and you know what? i don't miss him at all. because i am still thinking about him 24/7. i'm still emailing him out the ass. i'm still leaving IMs and writing about him. i'm still acknowledging the butterflies.

he wrote something about how he hates having to maintain separate spheres in his internet world to maintain his privacy.

hehe well i don't want privacy anymore. hope he don't mind. i'm telling the whole wide world.

i am so in like with this boy and it pains me to know that i can't be with him the way i want to be with him right now. i haven't been this ready for a relationship in my entire life and i think it's probably a very good thing that i can't be in one at the same time. this is going to be a true challenge for me. and lord knows about me and challenges.

adam. luff. bebi. i know what i want.

i want to concentrate on myself and get back to what i set out to do over this past summer. i want to ache and pine for you not being near me. i want to send you love letters and gush to you about what is happening in my life without you. i want to wonder when i will hear from you next. i want to write you cryptic poetry and have random visits to sip hot chocolate together and play with each other's hair. i still want to go to wisp with our families. i want to not be allowed to sleep next to you. i want to not hear from you for days and then listen to you replay your events or read about them on your site and wish i could have shared them with you. i want to know you are dating other people. and i want it to hurt. i want to think about you when my fingers travel between my legs. i want us to hang out and for me not to pressure you to feel something you don't. and i want to be ok with not feeling things i want myself to feel. i want us to spend weekends together every once in a while.

the bottom line is that i want YOU. and i want you in a very practical sort of way. no labels. no commitment. just as a side note. a quiet smile to carry around knowing that you are out there and that you are wonderful.

i keep coming back to the same thesis. and damnit. this time i'm going to stick to it.

and in regards to you............. you gotta do what you need to do. bebez i want you to put yourself before me. i want you to do what you want to do for yourself. and yer not good at that. but i have total confidence that you could be. if you don't envision what i have tried to describe above, then that's ok. i'll move on eventually. but if you think you could be down with that... leave my readers and i a comment to let us know.

you are too good for me not to tell them about. sorry readers... i've kept you in the dark for too long. if you read the poem below, i think you'll understand.

no more secret posts. this is me and this is what i'm feeling.

i'm gonna quote my daddie again. "why do you young people think that when you like each other you have to do something about it. just enjoy liking each other and keep on with your life." goodness he is such a smart guy. so i'm pressing unpause. hope you can keep up.

...

i've decided not to do winterguard this season. i'm going to get an internship and continue working part-time for my mom. and i'm pretty much set on living in laurel for the the next year. i'm going to apply to go to grad school at UMD (which reminds me i need to look into my GRE's). as soon as i get settled into my new place, i'm going to get a night job. maybe uno's who still needs my help... but maybe somewheres in my new hood. i'm excited to make some new friends and contacts out that way.

i'm going to pound into the B&W site ASAP. i'm going to go solo on this for a little while. get things moving and then reevaluate the situation. adam, i obviously crave your help with this. i think i'm going to just put this site over at that URL anyways.

remember when i asked you to inspire me?

well... you did.

his emails are cold already. that explains the shivering, i guess.

fucking bittersweetly-bad poetry.

and as i drive on home
in the rain
i can't help but wonder
about you
and what we became

somewhere in between
chicken wings
and silly string
you chose me
and we
we decided to fall in love

but i pretended
i lied to everyone
including myself
i said that you couldn't be
everything
that i want and need

i thought you were a moment
of weakness
a mistake
that i should be ashamed of making

but when i finally admitted
that you were more
that you were worth the risk
karma came back
and gave this love a twist

a love
can't survive
on a wish
just like a heart
can't rely
on a kiss

time and space
have won this round
and that makes it so hard
to let go
even when we both know
that's what it will take

and so i sing my song
to these roads that i drive along

and the water
pouring from the sky
matches the tears
falling from my eyes

well isn't it exciting?

tonight's the big night. i'm going to go see my husband in concert...

alone.

this is the first time i've ever really done something like this by myself. i've never seen a movie alone... and i've only gone out to dinner in a real restaurant alone once. so this is kind of a bench mark for me.

i've decided to drive to the white flint metro station after i get off of work tonight and head on over to the 9:30 club that way instead of driving into DC.

so not ONLY am i going to be that shady kid jammin with herself at a concert on a monday night... but i am going to be riding alone on the metro around 11pm too!! wee.

aside from the supposed "wierdness" about me doing this... i really am hyped to see my boy. finally. it's been over 2 years of me obsessing. and his new album is fuckin amazing.

so go downloa - i mean BUY it tomorrow when it comes out. and don't be surprised if i go lyrical and whistful up in this piece after the concert.

sigh... i can feel the drool collecting in my mouth already.

so i hear that you're sick!

sick? sick of what? the current state of affairs?

ah. i see.

well, miss. why don't you change something about it then? you work for your mother and would feel bad screwing her over? you need to keep the job anyway because you are poor but really want to move out of your house? you don't want to rock the boat because you are just volunteering and have no real authority? you want to be in a relationship with him but the distance and timing just makes it impractical?

ah. i see.

maybe you feel like without some dilema or problem to fix that you are not using your time wisely? like you need to be in a constant whirlwind of drama? without that outside issue to worry about you can't hide from all of the doubt and questions you have going on inside? maybe in order to appreciate your intuition and your analytic nature you also need to experience a calm and quiet within your heart every once in a while? maybe you are afraid of admitting that you don't always have the answers?

...

see?

found in an old journal ...

how many colds have you had in your life?

does that mean you weren't well in between?

you gonna take cough syrup all your life just in case?

why, you ask?

THAT'S WHY!

you are about as steady as a candle's open flame...
and about as bright as a 3-way light bulb on its lowest setting.

stuff i want to add to my quote book later:

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." - Walt Disney

"Well done is better than well said." - Ben Franklin

"Research is what i'm doing when i don't know what i'm doing." - Wernher Von Braun

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people." - Victor Borge

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." - Groucho Marx

"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known." - Carl Sagan

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens." - Jimi Hendrix

cue drooling here .

this makes me sad.

i hope i always like things like that. and i hope those things always mean something.